Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Fill 4, & this week is full of bad news all around me...

So... I realized that waiting 3 weeks would mean my appointment would land on a day when my dear friend will be here. I can't wait to spend time with her and her family!! This will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will have all our kids together again (including each of our 1 yr olds!).
So I thought about it and felt more comfortable with getting a smaller fill but seeing the Dr sooner because my left side was still concerning me. I went back this past monday after waiting only 2 weeks...

I'm glad I did. The lower half of my left lump isn't doing so well... the skin is thinner than it should be and the Dr is concerned it might be dying. If that happens (there's a whole list of things I was cautioned about) then I need surgery to remove the lower half, they will pull the top down and attach it and I will have to start my fills all over on that side...
I'm concerned. At first I was bothered that after this concern was explained to me the Dr went ahead and wanted 25cc added to each side (this brings me to 300 on L and 325 on R and my goal is 500). My hubby calmed me down and re-explained that he was trying to make sure he had enough skin to pull down and reach the bottom if the worst happened... *sigh*

Now I'm stuck back to doing as little as possible with my left arm so I don't stretch the skin and cause it to burst (that just sounds scary!). We go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing, unless I start leaking or scabbing or something before that. If that happens I need to call immediately :(

In other news, the kids were starting to treat me "normally" again even without my "puff" pillows (fake boobs) in my shirt...
Lady bug has brought them to me a couple times and told me,"Here you need these a yook yike my mommy!" ... Tweedle carries them around when he finds them (I have 2 pairs), hugging and kissing them as gentle as he can be, seems they are his new lovies :(
Both littles have refused to come near me unless I have"puffs" in my bra and somedays that's really hard for me to swallow!
Now I have had enough fills that while still smallish, they do appear to be there again.

Then, the cat that used to be my husband's but stayed with Doodle and his mom after the divorce died this week and Doodle is taking it pretty hard. Amazing the cat was 17, but heartbroken for Doodle :'(

Finally, our Niece... (Hubby's 2nd sister died from this disease/syndrome when her daughters were babies, sadly both girls have it too and require surgeries every couple years to keep them alive) was fine a couple days ago and suddenly in the middle of the night was rushed to the hospital and underwent major heart surgery yesterday. Hubby's poor mom, not only did she go through this with her 3rd child, now she's raising the girls as her 5th & 6th kids, and goes through these scares and surgeries with them :(
She is an incredibly strong woman and mother and I can't imagine the daily stress she goes through making sure that she does everything she can to keep the girls alive and well.

So that's my week so far... Last week I was doing meals, dishes, and laundry... this week I'm back to "bedrest" with added worries about myself and my family near and far.
As I try to get ready for Butterfly's 6th Birthday Party this weekend!

Monday, June 11, 2012

My small win & Fill 3, or halfway there?!?

Today has already been a roller coaster. Over the weekend lil Tweetle had a pretty bad fever and was barely eating or sleeping at night.
He really just wanted to snuggle with Mommy, but that requires flopping his head over and over until he falls asleep... which could take hours. I did my best to hold him, we have figured out that if he sits on my foot, I can help him climb up so I don't hurt myself picking him up, but holding him still just hurts if he touches or lays on my chest.

Last night was the worst, almost 2 hours of him crying and screaming and lunging for me from Daddy's arms. So I held him on the couch, in the rocker, the couch again, the rocker again... each time he tried to push up and away like he wanted me to stand up.
Finally I gave in, Daddy (tried to talk me out of it, then) carefully handed him to me standing up so I could keep his weight on my hips... after a few minutes he pushed away still unhappy and I leaned forward holding on to him and stopped him from falling.
Searing pain ripped across the bottom of my right lump. With the help of pain meds, we finally got to bed and got us all to sleep.

This morning we were tired but happy to have a little more time than usual to get out the door since my appt was later than Hubby's usual time into work. I had a small win: I showered by myself, inculing washing & rinsing my hair, drying off and getting dressed and doing my hair.
We dropped the kids off at my parents house and went to my appt.

We discussed with the Dr a bit more about the plan going forward and what amount to try for today... I decided on 100, so hopefully after this I have 2 more times before my next surgery and I can be done with all this. We got 100 in the right, initially it was easier than last time but helped to sit up right after and get my heart shaped underarm pillow.

Then they tried 100 in the left, as they pulled out the needle, it felt like a geyser. Fluid was coming out of the hole and slightly concerned Hubby that the expander had sprung a leak. The Nurse said it was fine and tried to get it to stop, realizing it wasn't clear she called the Dr back in. He came and looked, pulled 25 out of the expander. Then realizing that I was swollen, pulled another 25 or more of my fluid out by manipulating my lump from different angles... that was anything but pleasant.

Now I'm at my parents too, and while it's nice to be close to the kids, I feel like knives are going through my right side, starting at the bottom (where I aggravated the muscle last night) and going around my lump, through to my back and all down my right arm.

I think from here on out, my max will be 75 until I'm done! We agreed to wait 3 weeks before my next fill instead of 2 like we have been doing.
I'm really hoping I heal fast like last fill.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

3m, 2m, 1m, today...

Exactly *3* months ago, I had my first appt with the Breast Specialist to check the lump I had found (on referral from my OBGYN).
We discussed the ultrasound I had had a few days before, the pain and struggle of the past 3 weeks from the large lump in the middle of my chest, and the possibilities of what the lump could be.
Then he looked at it and then decided to try a needle biopsy, OUCH!!

I have a very low tolerance for pain, unless it's "pain with a purpose" like pregnancy and birth.
I was quickly reminded of this, as the Dr tried unsuccessfully to do the first failed needle aspiration...
He kept poking and barely got a few drops of blood to come out.

Fast forward a month...

Exactly *2* months ago...
I had my breast biopsy. After the Breast Specialist had tried everything (more needle aspirations, more ultrasounds, antibiotics, and had me wean my 11 month old immediately) and sent me to meet a surgeon. I had the second surgery in my whole life!
I had my tonsils taken out about 5 years ago, like many people and it was nothing out of the ordinary... besides, I knew lots of other people who had gone through it so I never thought that  much about it.
But a Breast Biopsy?? I didn't know anyone that had gone through one of those!
I had fully convinced myself that it was no big deal, I mean who wouldn't if almost a dozen different Drs had specifically told you "don't worry, we're almost sure it's not cancer!"... So my husband and I didn't worry... until they called me 4 days later with the news.

Exactly *1* month ago...
I went out with 2 of my closest friends. We had a "girls night out" just the 3 of us! We started with Jeni's ice cream before our dinner at North Star. We were all dressed up and had a great time talking and hanging out with no distractions from any of our children (in all the 3 of us have 11!).
It was their way to help me have a great night and not worry about the surgery that was coming up in a few short days. They helped me see that while many people know that I have cancer, I am not defined by having cancer. It is simply a part of who I am now, but I am still a mom, wife, daughter, friend... person!

So here I am *today*.
It's been a week since my 2nd fill and I'm doing the best I have since the surgery. I have loaded the dishwasher a couple times, I have done a few loads of laundry, I can dress myself, take care of my own shower (except my hair still), but can even put my own hair up (with my head down between my knees, lol)!
Today has brought on a new challenge...
My scabs are coming off in clumps with my new bra. I have barely gotten used to the way I look with my scabby scars and I don't feel ready to see what's underneath. I know that I have many more changes to go through before I can start getting used to "the new me" but I hadn't thought to get ready for this, I was focused on convincing myself to go through with another fill so I would only have 2 left after next week...

So now I go from feeling like a scabby monster to feeling like a wrinkly, lumpy monster...
I simply hope that someday I will again feel like a person and no longer feel like a monster.