We have been looking for a sitter/nanny/ replacement me to be here when Hubby must work...
It has been an adventure. Over 30 people have been weeded through so far, Who would have thought that simple things like wanting them available the hours the ad said we wanted someone, or asking for an interview so we could meet them and they could meet the kids, or asking for their phone number would make so many people decide the job was not for them?
We found one wonderful girl, who was recommended and just isn't available all the time. She came today (first day) and we all love her so when she is free we will gladly have her.
We found a teenager in our neighborhood that will come help after school when she can, and my grandparents were also here today.
They all helped me interview an interesting girl that should be helping the last half of this week, but we all feel I should keep looking for a permanent helper.
Today was a rough day anyway.
See, I was starting to feel better last week. Exactly one week after my surgery I felt like I was on the mend! Taking less pain pills, getting outside to watch the kids play. I went to the store to get dance clothes for the girls with my mom & went grocery shopping the next day with Hubby and Tweetle. I was excited to be doing well.
Saturday night, Hubby took Tweetle to bed and then fell asleep himself before I came upstairs (poor guy has been working so hard). I didn't want to wake him so I tried to empty and strip my drains myself... I think I pulled too hard on my Left one, because it started to hurt that night, and its been hurting ever since :(
Sunday I took more pain pills. Today I went to the Dr.
They started by telling me that my incisions are healing well! I was happy, I told them about the discomfort and they decided to cut the extra long stitches from my incisions as well as the stitches on my drain tubes.
They warned me that my tubes could come out anytime now, and if I saw the white part of the tube to just pull the rest of it out.
I then got my first fill. Between seeing large syringes, the talk of using a needle and already being nervous, I all but passed out. Hubby kept reminding me to breathe while covering my eyes for me and holding my hand. (he really will do almost anything for me <3 ). It felt like a small elephant sat on my chest and started growing until I couldn't breathe. They gave me a minute and then did the other side too.
We got the kids from my parents, came home and I took another pain pill...
I started getting used to the feelings in my chest. Kinda strange sensations that were creepy/crawly on my chest, lots of pressure but no real pain except the Left drain tube.
Around lunch time I went to the bathroom, and then adjusted my bra because I had a weird tickle on my right side. I realized I was leaking on my right so the sweet sitter today helped me upstairs. we found that my drain was partially out so as the Dr has said she pulled it the rest of the way out. I have been having shooting pains for the last 4 hours since through my right side.
Now that we have this week taken care of with sitters, and today's is doing great with the kids I wanted to make an update and rest.
The hardest thing for me right now is wanting to be around the kids but being in so much pain when the kids touch me. So for now I rest, but I will try to keep letting you know how I'm doing.
**Thanks for all the support.
If you don't know, my friends have set up a site to raffle off donated items to help us come up with the money we need to pay for the sitter. We have enough money for this week and maybe half of next week already! I am thankful for friends, and all the wonderful people who are willing to help us out.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
it wasn't NOTHING....
I’m a wife and mother, daughter, sister, friend… and just like most women I was already overwhelmed with life. I had reached my breaking point months ago with a lot of problems that “Life” had been throwing at us.
In February, we were starting to see the light, many things were coming to a point where they would again be manageable, not likeable, but we were able to breathe again and started actually looking forward and planning some happy moments. Then my (at the time, 10 month old) son had a temper tantrum and threw his head into my chest. One of those, it-was-never-a-big-deal-the-hundreds-of-times-every-other-day but this time it caused a lump in my breast. Over a month of weekly Dr visits that included ultrasounds and needle aspirations, and the only choice to help my pain and get answers as to what the lump was, surgery.
On April 6, I had a routine lumpectomy. Great, they said. We got it all, it’s gone. You don’t have to worry about it any more. WE TOLD YOU IT WAS NOTHING, they said.
On April 10, they called me. It wasn’t “NOTHING” … it was BREAST CANCER!!
I was in Trader Joe’s (a grocery store) with my 3 young children. All I remember after that was not knowing how many packages of hot dogs were going to get my kids through me having Breast Cancer…
I went to more appointments, met more Drs, went to an amazing “Second Opinion Breast Cancer Clinic” that had all the special Drs together in one room to talk to me at once and help me decide the best route for me.
On May 9, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy. I know you have to recover from major surgery… but I didn’t realize at the time all the things I wouldn’t be able to do and how tired just sitting in a chair would make me. A week later I am getting worried. My husband has been working from home, but we can’t afford that next week. He has to go back to work so we can keep our heads above the financial waters that the past 2 years have put us under.
I can’t lift more than 2 lbs for at least another week, then my limit will be 5-10lbs for another 4-6 weeks (depending on how I heal). I have to keep my elbows below my shoulders.
That means I can only get my kids cups if they are not in the cupboard, I can only get drinks if the jugs are less than half full. I can’t put the dog outside on the chain or bring him in. I can’t change my son’s diaper, I can’t help my 2 yr old in the potty. I can’t pull out supplies for the kids to do crafts, get them snacks that are kept in the top of the pantry, or cereal, or hold a pot of water to make pasta, or make mac&cheese, or cook chicken for dinner… the list goes on.
I need help.
I need to hire someone to be my kids stand-in SAHM until I can be again.
We figure 5 weeks, 5 days a week, for 10 hours while Hubby is gone, = 50 hours/week.
$8-9/hr is $400-$450 a week, $2,000-$2,250 that we just don’t have.
So I have a friend who is trying to help me raise that money so my kids can get through this difficult time too.
Because as a mom, my first thoughts are getting my kids through this. If I can have help to get them through, then I can get myself through.
Then our Family can again start looking forward to planning some happy moments :)
In February, we were starting to see the light, many things were coming to a point where they would again be manageable, not likeable, but we were able to breathe again and started actually looking forward and planning some happy moments. Then my (at the time, 10 month old) son had a temper tantrum and threw his head into my chest. One of those, it-was-never-a-big-deal-the-hundreds-of-times-every-other-day but this time it caused a lump in my breast. Over a month of weekly Dr visits that included ultrasounds and needle aspirations, and the only choice to help my pain and get answers as to what the lump was, surgery.
On April 6, I had a routine lumpectomy. Great, they said. We got it all, it’s gone. You don’t have to worry about it any more. WE TOLD YOU IT WAS NOTHING, they said.
On April 10, they called me. It wasn’t “NOTHING” … it was BREAST CANCER!!
I was in Trader Joe’s (a grocery store) with my 3 young children. All I remember after that was not knowing how many packages of hot dogs were going to get my kids through me having Breast Cancer…
I went to more appointments, met more Drs, went to an amazing “Second Opinion Breast Cancer Clinic” that had all the special Drs together in one room to talk to me at once and help me decide the best route for me.
On May 9, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy. I know you have to recover from major surgery… but I didn’t realize at the time all the things I wouldn’t be able to do and how tired just sitting in a chair would make me. A week later I am getting worried. My husband has been working from home, but we can’t afford that next week. He has to go back to work so we can keep our heads above the financial waters that the past 2 years have put us under.
I can’t lift more than 2 lbs for at least another week, then my limit will be 5-10lbs for another 4-6 weeks (depending on how I heal). I have to keep my elbows below my shoulders.
That means I can only get my kids cups if they are not in the cupboard, I can only get drinks if the jugs are less than half full. I can’t put the dog outside on the chain or bring him in. I can’t change my son’s diaper, I can’t help my 2 yr old in the potty. I can’t pull out supplies for the kids to do crafts, get them snacks that are kept in the top of the pantry, or cereal, or hold a pot of water to make pasta, or make mac&cheese, or cook chicken for dinner… the list goes on.
I need help.
I need to hire someone to be my kids stand-in SAHM until I can be again.
We figure 5 weeks, 5 days a week, for 10 hours while Hubby is gone, = 50 hours/week.
$8-9/hr is $400-$450 a week, $2,000-$2,250 that we just don’t have.
So I have a friend who is trying to help me raise that money so my kids can get through this difficult time too.
Because as a mom, my first thoughts are getting my kids through this. If I can have help to get them through, then I can get myself through.
Then our Family can again start looking forward to planning some happy moments :)
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Fighting is bad... except when it's good
Let me start by saying I love my children.
Like most mothers, I didn't know the extent of the powerful love that comes when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. During pregnancy (or adoption or however you become a mother) you start to love the idea, and you may start to love the child... but the moment you hold *your* child, the love is almost overwhelming.
When Butterfly was born, it was a horrible experience in terms of having any support. My ex-husband and his family wanted things to go smoothly... for them. For me to raise the baby so she doesn't wake them or annoy them with crying, don't do anything out of the ordinary because when you have to explain your choices, its annoying... you know as long as she & I fit in this "perfect" mold, then everything would be ok.
Only it wasn't... I wasn't perfect and they didn't think she was either. Within weeks I learned to start thinking that maybe I was strong enough to make decisions that might be different from what they wanted. Then I started acting on them. By the time she was a few months old there were serious fights (mostly verbal and emotional) about what should be my decisions because I was the only one who had to put the work in or deal with the consequences.
When I found my voice and fought back to do what I truly thought was best for my baby, it tore things apart. We continued to fight about who was right and who was wrong for months after he packed my bags and I left.
We agreed on a dissolution when she was 2 1/2, right after I met my husband, then I was married, Butterfly turned 3 and then my ex-husband decided to start using his time to see Butterfly. I could only fight to help her through the changes, not to fix it.
But then he blew up one night at the end of a visit, about wanting her more and drug her into it, and I found myself fighting to not have my daughter hate me for what he was telling her. I was fighting for my child to believe me that I wanted what was best for her, I felt that I was fighting for my daughter to still love me.
He took me back to court and for a year and a half I fought. I fought to make sure that he was going to have to be responsible when he had her. I fought that he would feed her real food and not junk, with the backing of the pediatrician. I fought that the counselor was right and Butterfly had stress-induced anxiety. I fought that she needed help coming out of her new shell, that homeschooling was best for her, that I was still trying to socialize her. I fought that nothing else was wrong with her, leading to me fighting to prove she did not have autism, just too much stress. I fought that the stress was not all my fault. I fought that me adding a baby sister and baby brother was equally as hard as him adding a baby brother to her life. I fought until there was nothing reasonable left to fight. Now with a final court order I hope there is no more to fight but to help her through the back and forth of a more typical arrangement.
During this time I fought through 2 pregnancies as well. My pregnancy with Ladybug led us to fighting through my husband getting a new job, that required travelling. I was really sick during her pregnancy and had to fight the urge to move in, un pack, and settle in to our new house because fighting to get through each day was more than enough. I fought to keep friends for myself and for Butterfly. I fought the hopelessness of the post traumatic stress from her pregnancy that just got worse when I found out I was pregnant again and then the court battle started.
All the appointments and phone calls and time I had to spend looking things up and typing things out and keeping records. All the time I spent trying to find more ways to pinch pennies so they we could afford to keep up with the appointments and therapies, as well as to get through court and keep the attorneys.
Everyday I had to fight the guilt, I felt like I was missing out on my children s lives.
So I started looking forward to this summer, summer of 2012. I was going to have my kids help me plant a garden and start doing projects around the house. We were going to start a much more fun Home school curriculum with science experiments and projects. We were going to have at least one field trip a week and hang out more with friends. We were going to NOT FIGHT...
Then in February, something happened. In March the court battle ended as I entered a fight to find out if I was going to be okay. In April I had surgery, and it seems the stress has gotten to me and my body couldn't handle it. So now I am fighting this summer. I am fighting in hopes that I will have the rest of my life to enjoy not fighting anymore. So I just had major surgery to remove the rest of the problem and now I am looking down a long road of recovery. One that includes me fighting myself and my own feelings because a major part of the recovery process includes doing something that is going to be a discussion point with my daughters and I with me being on the side against what I am doing.
Fighting for your children is right, fighting to have your children is right, fighting for better quality of life is good, and fighting for what you believe in is right... so for my family, my children, and myself, I will keep fighting this fight.
Like most mothers, I didn't know the extent of the powerful love that comes when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. During pregnancy (or adoption or however you become a mother) you start to love the idea, and you may start to love the child... but the moment you hold *your* child, the love is almost overwhelming.
When Butterfly was born, it was a horrible experience in terms of having any support. My ex-husband and his family wanted things to go smoothly... for them. For me to raise the baby so she doesn't wake them or annoy them with crying, don't do anything out of the ordinary because when you have to explain your choices, its annoying... you know as long as she & I fit in this "perfect" mold, then everything would be ok.
Only it wasn't... I wasn't perfect and they didn't think she was either. Within weeks I learned to start thinking that maybe I was strong enough to make decisions that might be different from what they wanted. Then I started acting on them. By the time she was a few months old there were serious fights (mostly verbal and emotional) about what should be my decisions because I was the only one who had to put the work in or deal with the consequences.
When I found my voice and fought back to do what I truly thought was best for my baby, it tore things apart. We continued to fight about who was right and who was wrong for months after he packed my bags and I left.
We agreed on a dissolution when she was 2 1/2, right after I met my husband, then I was married, Butterfly turned 3 and then my ex-husband decided to start using his time to see Butterfly. I could only fight to help her through the changes, not to fix it.
But then he blew up one night at the end of a visit, about wanting her more and drug her into it, and I found myself fighting to not have my daughter hate me for what he was telling her. I was fighting for my child to believe me that I wanted what was best for her, I felt that I was fighting for my daughter to still love me.
He took me back to court and for a year and a half I fought. I fought to make sure that he was going to have to be responsible when he had her. I fought that he would feed her real food and not junk, with the backing of the pediatrician. I fought that the counselor was right and Butterfly had stress-induced anxiety. I fought that she needed help coming out of her new shell, that homeschooling was best for her, that I was still trying to socialize her. I fought that nothing else was wrong with her, leading to me fighting to prove she did not have autism, just too much stress. I fought that the stress was not all my fault. I fought that me adding a baby sister and baby brother was equally as hard as him adding a baby brother to her life. I fought until there was nothing reasonable left to fight. Now with a final court order I hope there is no more to fight but to help her through the back and forth of a more typical arrangement.
During this time I fought through 2 pregnancies as well. My pregnancy with Ladybug led us to fighting through my husband getting a new job, that required travelling. I was really sick during her pregnancy and had to fight the urge to move in, un pack, and settle in to our new house because fighting to get through each day was more than enough. I fought to keep friends for myself and for Butterfly. I fought the hopelessness of the post traumatic stress from her pregnancy that just got worse when I found out I was pregnant again and then the court battle started.
All the appointments and phone calls and time I had to spend looking things up and typing things out and keeping records. All the time I spent trying to find more ways to pinch pennies so they we could afford to keep up with the appointments and therapies, as well as to get through court and keep the attorneys.
Everyday I had to fight the guilt, I felt like I was missing out on my children s lives.
So I started looking forward to this summer, summer of 2012. I was going to have my kids help me plant a garden and start doing projects around the house. We were going to start a much more fun Home school curriculum with science experiments and projects. We were going to have at least one field trip a week and hang out more with friends. We were going to NOT FIGHT...
Then in February, something happened. In March the court battle ended as I entered a fight to find out if I was going to be okay. In April I had surgery, and it seems the stress has gotten to me and my body couldn't handle it. So now I am fighting this summer. I am fighting in hopes that I will have the rest of my life to enjoy not fighting anymore. So I just had major surgery to remove the rest of the problem and now I am looking down a long road of recovery. One that includes me fighting myself and my own feelings because a major part of the recovery process includes doing something that is going to be a discussion point with my daughters and I with me being on the side against what I am doing.
Fighting for your children is right, fighting to have your children is right, fighting for better quality of life is good, and fighting for what you believe in is right... so for my family, my children, and myself, I will keep fighting this fight.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Becoming a Family of 6...
You know those moments when the impact of a recent change really dawns on you??
Well, I had a few of those this past weekend. Friday was a calm afternoon. Butterfly hung out with Tweetle Beetle & I while Hubby took Ladybug to go get Doodle. The drive is a few hours each way, so by the time they got back Butterfly was in bed. Doodle got to meet Tweetle, and then we slowly got each kid to bed.
The next morning was our first big "different" moment. We had 4 children who wanted to eat! Hubby made coffee while I nursed Tweetle and then we all had cereal... We realized we didn't have any meals thawed for lunch so we discussed going to the store & meat market for sandwich supplies.
It hit me - all of us, in the van, all of us... we're going to fill it up!
Yes, that's the reason we got the minivan a month ago, because we needed to seat 6 and both our other cars sat 5 but neither will fit Butterfly's Booster with 2 Rear-Facing Convertible Carseats. The only way we can go anywhere is with the van, even when Doodle isn't here... we are forever now a minivan family! ...and there it was, that moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
That evening, friends stopped by to bring us dinner. They stayed for a little while to meet Tweetle and let the kids play together. They have a child near Doodle's, Butterfly's, and Ladybug's ages... and we also have Baby Tweetle...
So the big boys went one way, the big girls went another, the young ones stayed close to us parents and we passed around Tweetle... and again a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
The next morning was Easter and we had planned to go to my parents house for Brunch & the kids' Easter Baskets and Egg Hunt. Thankfully my Parents had offered to take care of all of it, so we just needed to get everyone showered and dressed, & pack for our day trip to take Doodle back. As we began discussing all the things we needed to do that morning, we quickly realized that we had to start right away, we had to leave in less than 3 hours... and again a moment of "Wow, we have a big Family"
We had a wonderful Easter which I will soon share with you...
When I tried to get pictures of what each child was doing and got... I missed so much. We had 4 adults and 4 kids, and each kid wanted attention. Hubby had to leave (we actually forgot spare clothes for the baby!!) and and again a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"... while trying to pictures of them.
I didn't get the picture that I wanted of our family of 6, I didn't get just the 4 kids, but I got a nice picture of my parents with their 4 grandkids so we can all remember the day :)
Then we got ready to leave, and everyone had to say goodbye to Grandpa & Grandma 2-3 times, lots of hugs but wow it takes a while to leave now!
We stopped halfway through our trip for a potty break, which first required giving Ladybug a baby wipes bath and trying to clean out her carseat. Then I took the 3 littles into the family restroom, alone, and actually survived! (Hubby helped us all to the door, and then met us at the door to help us all back to the car, but inside I did it!!)
Finally, when we stopped for dinner just before dropping off Doodle we barely fit in a "normal" booth. I nursed Tweetle while in there and Butterfly sat next to me, Doodle sat with Hubby while Ladybug sat on the end in a highchair. Again it was a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
I guess during the months of pregnancy I was trying to get ready for the baby, but it never occurred to me to get ready for the bigger family!
With so many times of realizing it, I think I have it down now... we are a bigger family than most, but we wouldn't have it any other way!!
Well, I had a few of those this past weekend. Friday was a calm afternoon. Butterfly hung out with Tweetle Beetle & I while Hubby took Ladybug to go get Doodle. The drive is a few hours each way, so by the time they got back Butterfly was in bed. Doodle got to meet Tweetle, and then we slowly got each kid to bed.
The next morning was our first big "different" moment. We had 4 children who wanted to eat! Hubby made coffee while I nursed Tweetle and then we all had cereal... We realized we didn't have any meals thawed for lunch so we discussed going to the store & meat market for sandwich supplies.
It hit me - all of us, in the van, all of us... we're going to fill it up!
Yes, that's the reason we got the minivan a month ago, because we needed to seat 6 and both our other cars sat 5 but neither will fit Butterfly's Booster with 2 Rear-Facing Convertible Carseats. The only way we can go anywhere is with the van, even when Doodle isn't here... we are forever now a minivan family! ...and there it was, that moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
That evening, friends stopped by to bring us dinner. They stayed for a little while to meet Tweetle and let the kids play together. They have a child near Doodle's, Butterfly's, and Ladybug's ages... and we also have Baby Tweetle...
So the big boys went one way, the big girls went another, the young ones stayed close to us parents and we passed around Tweetle... and again a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
The next morning was Easter and we had planned to go to my parents house for Brunch & the kids' Easter Baskets and Egg Hunt. Thankfully my Parents had offered to take care of all of it, so we just needed to get everyone showered and dressed, & pack for our day trip to take Doodle back. As we began discussing all the things we needed to do that morning, we quickly realized that we had to start right away, we had to leave in less than 3 hours... and again a moment of "Wow, we have a big Family"
We had a wonderful Easter which I will soon share with you...
When I tried to get pictures of what each child was doing and got... I missed so much. We had 4 adults and 4 kids, and each kid wanted attention. Hubby had to leave (we actually forgot spare clothes for the baby!!) and and again a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"... while trying to pictures of them.
I didn't get the picture that I wanted of our family of 6, I didn't get just the 4 kids, but I got a nice picture of my parents with their 4 grandkids so we can all remember the day :)
Then we got ready to leave, and everyone had to say goodbye to Grandpa & Grandma 2-3 times, lots of hugs but wow it takes a while to leave now!
We stopped halfway through our trip for a potty break, which first required giving Ladybug a baby wipes bath and trying to clean out her carseat. Then I took the 3 littles into the family restroom, alone, and actually survived! (Hubby helped us all to the door, and then met us at the door to help us all back to the car, but inside I did it!!)
Finally, when we stopped for dinner just before dropping off Doodle we barely fit in a "normal" booth. I nursed Tweetle while in there and Butterfly sat next to me, Doodle sat with Hubby while Ladybug sat on the end in a highchair. Again it was a moment of "Wow, we do have a big Family"
I guess during the months of pregnancy I was trying to get ready for the baby, but it never occurred to me to get ready for the bigger family!
With so many times of realizing it, I think I have it down now... we are a bigger family than most, but we wouldn't have it any other way!!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
My dream birth, the perfect ending for a perfect beginning :)
Last week I went to my normal 2nd appt for the week and was told that I was officially in "active labor" umm, ok... what does that mean?
There are stages, I had been in early labor for almost 4 weeks (most of which was modified bed rest since I had to take care of the girls, but we didn't want him coming early and being sick) and had finally moved to 4cm [by myself!!] and entered the 2nd stage. This meant little to me since I had been hearing that "the baby could come any day now" for the past few weeks.
Yet this was a small victory for me, each pregnancy I have had trouble with laboring naturally and only
making super slow progress. With both girls this caused health concerns and major problems with Ladybug's pregnancy, and they had to be forced to come out after weeks of my body not figuring out how to move forward.
All weekend we waited, and hoped, and Hubby was never far just in case...
Monday we took the girls to my parents with their bag and left the extra keys to go to my appt, fully expecting DrM to send us to the hospital. Once again checking me caused the contractions to increase, but he sent us home and told us to go to the hospital in the morning if anything changed.
Tuesday morning we went in early after another night of irregular but close contractions that kept me up all night. We all decided to break my water and an hour later to start pitocin to help him come out.
The nurse looked at my chart, my history, and my "Birth Plan" wishlist and told us how amazed that I had had such a quick labor last time using pitocin without an epidural and wanted to do it again after a 9lb baby. I just laughed and said yes. She said she was glad the Birth Plan was only a page, as most "natural" moms like me have so many pages it's hard to remember everything.
I again repeated what I have been telling myself for weeks "it's just a wishlist, the things that I want... but like Christmas you start with a wishlist and at the end of the day you're always happy with what you get, a healthy baby".
She agreed and said that she really thought they could do everything, and mentioned some extra things, like me going with him to the nursery, that she would try to help us get that I didn't know were possible in the hospital!
They started the pitocin and DrM let me stay on the birthing ball as long as I stayed on the monitors and let them know when I felt I needed to be checked again. A few hours later, DrM came in to check my progress since the contractions were getting much more intense (requiring me to move and get into bed), said I was 6cm and he wouldn't be far, joking that it had been 3 hours - a long labor for me, lol.
The next 15 minutes are kind of a blur. I got back on the ball and almost immediatly I needed to get in bed to get on my hands and knees, I felt the baby move around and down, my body was pushing and could barely get out the words "pushing.... Doctor.... PUSH!!!!" He walked in, and another check during which the contraction sent me from 7cm to 8cm, a few more contractions and I was a solid 10cm. Then he actually let me turn back around to my hands and knees! I tried to get away from the pain, but my body had already taken over. With my husband's arms around me, I reached down, half wanting to keep the baby in to stop the pain but I knew it was time, and I felt his head slide out. What felt like many long minutes later, but just one contraction and my one push for his shoulders and I actually felt my baby come out and slide down my hand! It was the most amazing feeling ever!
Just a short 15 minutes from 6cm to the birth of our baby boy, with only one real push from me.
The cord was fairly short, so they had to cut it to move him so I could turn around to hold him, but they asked before cutting!! Then I was able to hold him for a few minutes before giving him to my husband for them to suction him better while I tried to push out the placenta... which took almost 1/2 an hour and me finally turning back to my hands and knees before it would come out.
Then they helped me up to go to the bathroom and changed my bedding real quick and we were left alone for an hour to just hold, snuggle and name our new little boy; "Tweetle Beetle". They came in an hour later to check my vitals and asked if I was ready to go to my room, offering me the chance to go with him and my husband to the nursery.
We both went to see our little boy weighed and measured and checked over, no bath and then we went to the recovery room. My parents brought our daughters to come meet their little brother and we were amazed at how quickly both girls took to him. They were sad to leave but being with Grandpa & Grandma made it easier, and we promised they could come back the next day.
A crazy night with Tornado watches & warnings, with nurses coming in to check vitals and give us updates on the storm, the only one that got sleep was the baby!! The next morning they told us that we were both doing very well and asked if we wanted to do the circumcision that morning and try to leave that evening. Of course we said yes, so Hubby went with Tweetle Beetle and was able to stay with him and love on him and bring him back very quickly.
We got some help from an Lactation Consultant, took showers ourselves, and walked around a bit before the girls came to visit again. We got the ok to leave after his PKU test at 24 hours old on the condition of seeing our pediatrician the next day so we made that appt.
Our first night home, I enjoyed sleeping for a solid hour or a bit more between feedings... it had been months!
We wanted 4 children, and while Tweetle came a couple years sooner than we originally thought, we are very happy that I am done being pregnant. Now we get to move on to just raising our kids and no longer growing our family. For us, especially me, I am so thankful and grateful that God gave us such a wonderful birth experience as our last one to look back on. I truly couldn't have asked for anything better.
All this time, I thought I wanted a waterbirth, I even thought I had wanted a homebirth, now I realize all I wanted was a birth where I felt in control of myself… it really does make a world of difference.
So hello family of 6, and already so many wonderful memories are being made! After only a week!!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Looking forward… or my new dream for a safe birth
With just over a week until our planned induction... I have to have a plan.
I posted earlier on Ladybug’s birth… I touched on Butterfly’s too.
I want to first add that while I wasn’t there, Doodle’s birth impacts my Hubby and his views.
Doodle’s mother had a rough pregnancy and a hard hospital delivery that gave her a very difficult recovery. She quickly decided that it was too much and she had no desire to ever change Doodle’s status as “only child” and while that works fine for her, Hubby always wanted more.
So while we both wanted to try for children together, as long as we did so safely and carefully; we had different ideas of what that meant to each of us that we had to talk through in our first months of Ladybug's pregnancy.
When I started having serious issues in Ladybug’s pregnancy, he immediatly tried to convince me to listen to my gut and walk away from the midwives advice and get another opinion (sadly I mistook this for him wanting to take back his agreement to be open to more natural possibilities, when it was really just worry and concern)…
The night they told us that they would not help us through a homebirth; he quickly took over making decisions but showed me that he simply cared and wanted the best for us, he stood by my side and tried to voice our dreams and desired plans to the hospital staff so that we (I) could still have as much as possible from our birth plan.
That night, ignoring the fears and complications and issues in the hospital, we grew closer.
I finally understand why some women have said that they fall in love with their husband all over again when they see him hold their child for the first time. I have so much more love, and trust and respect for my husband after the birth of Ladybug.
Many fears that I had trouble letting go of after my first marriage are finally gone. Concerns that came from a failed marriage and an absent father in Butterfly’s first few years have disappeared. I truly have the best husband in the world!
For now, I will spare you the gushes...
I have put him through a lot in the past year since Ladybug was born. My post-traumatic stress and daily panic attacks for her first 5 1/2 months, 2 almost good weeks, then exhaustion and panic attacks for a few months until we found out I was pregnant (we conceived BD when Ladybug was only 6 months), then crazy life issues/events arising, and me just feeling overwhelmed.
Lately I have been prepping (nesting?) like crazy and now with just over a week until BD’s induction, I’m a bucket of complaints and still he takes it all in stride!
We finally started writing a Birth Plan for BD. Hubby actually had to convince me that it was worth the trouble so that we could try for what we wanted… well, out of the choices we have.
- I know most women want a hospital birth, most of those are happy with the hospitals “normal procedures” and other than the basic: laboring with or without drugs, rooming-in or having the nursery keep the baby, and whether to breastfeed or bottle feed, many moms don’t question (or know they can question?) much more of their experience.
It’s the little things that mean so much to me. I want to have freedom in trying positions since laying on your back is the hardest position to push through. We want him placed on my bare chest to start bonding immediately instead of being rushed across the room. We want the cord to stop pulsing on its own before Hubby can cut it. We want him circumcised, and we want him to keep his own natural vernix. Along with not wanting drugs, wanting to breastfeed, and wanting him to room-in.
The silly things like wanting to wear my contacts so I can see him right away… There’s more but I will save that for later.
The point is that Hubby is showing me that there are still things that I want, and the hospital and DrM are willing to try to give me since overall this pregnancy is uneventful and “normal”… other than the fact that I have to be induced as my body does not go into labor on its own (do your own research before calling me crazy, I just wish I was wrong), but that’s not “bad” to me… I know once I get the pitocin I will have a short labor and we will get to meet our son pretty quick.
It may not be the same dream as the first or second time, but today my “dream birth” goes like this…
- - We leave the girls early in the morning with my parents and head to the hospital after a cup of coffee, breakfast, and a shower for each of us. We go into our room, I change and get hooked up to the IV. We calmly talk and Hubby jokes and teases me for a couple hours, and we have an uneventful and fairly short labor and delivery. Our son is placed on my chest and doesn’t have any problems. (Hoping our older kids can come meet him at this time…) We bond until it’s time for me to move to the post-partum room while Hubby and BD head to the nursery for him to be weighed, measured and get his security band put on. He has his circumcision without issue. We have a short, uneventful stay in the hospital with our older kids free to visit us often. Then, we go home and have a quick recovery and easy transition into parenting our 4 children with 3 of them under 5 yrs old. - -
Yes it’s a dream, and this time I don’t expect it to go that smoothly. I have hope that it will, but my expectations or needs for this birth are to simply avoid a need for a c-section or excessive drugs, avoid extra medical intervention for our son, and be able to leave together after a few days. Then I hope to avoid post-partum stress and depression.
Simply at the least, I need what most would consider “typical and uncomplicated”. While I hope for more, Hubby is helping me to realize that as long as our son and I are healthy and unharmed, we had a successful delivery.
I am finally ok with that.
I posted earlier on Ladybug’s birth… I touched on Butterfly’s too.
I want to first add that while I wasn’t there, Doodle’s birth impacts my Hubby and his views.
Doodle’s mother had a rough pregnancy and a hard hospital delivery that gave her a very difficult recovery. She quickly decided that it was too much and she had no desire to ever change Doodle’s status as “only child” and while that works fine for her, Hubby always wanted more.
So while we both wanted to try for children together, as long as we did so safely and carefully; we had different ideas of what that meant to each of us that we had to talk through in our first months of Ladybug's pregnancy.
When I started having serious issues in Ladybug’s pregnancy, he immediatly tried to convince me to listen to my gut and walk away from the midwives advice and get another opinion (sadly I mistook this for him wanting to take back his agreement to be open to more natural possibilities, when it was really just worry and concern)…
The night they told us that they would not help us through a homebirth; he quickly took over making decisions but showed me that he simply cared and wanted the best for us, he stood by my side and tried to voice our dreams and desired plans to the hospital staff so that we (I) could still have as much as possible from our birth plan.
That night, ignoring the fears and complications and issues in the hospital, we grew closer.
I finally understand why some women have said that they fall in love with their husband all over again when they see him hold their child for the first time. I have so much more love, and trust and respect for my husband after the birth of Ladybug.
Many fears that I had trouble letting go of after my first marriage are finally gone. Concerns that came from a failed marriage and an absent father in Butterfly’s first few years have disappeared. I truly have the best husband in the world!
For now, I will spare you the gushes...
I have put him through a lot in the past year since Ladybug was born. My post-traumatic stress and daily panic attacks for her first 5 1/2 months, 2 almost good weeks, then exhaustion and panic attacks for a few months until we found out I was pregnant (we conceived BD when Ladybug was only 6 months), then crazy life issues/events arising, and me just feeling overwhelmed.
Lately I have been prepping (nesting?) like crazy and now with just over a week until BD’s induction, I’m a bucket of complaints and still he takes it all in stride!
We finally started writing a Birth Plan for BD. Hubby actually had to convince me that it was worth the trouble so that we could try for what we wanted… well, out of the choices we have.
- I know most women want a hospital birth, most of those are happy with the hospitals “normal procedures” and other than the basic: laboring with or without drugs, rooming-in or having the nursery keep the baby, and whether to breastfeed or bottle feed, many moms don’t question (or know they can question?) much more of their experience.
It’s the little things that mean so much to me. I want to have freedom in trying positions since laying on your back is the hardest position to push through. We want him placed on my bare chest to start bonding immediately instead of being rushed across the room. We want the cord to stop pulsing on its own before Hubby can cut it. We want him circumcised, and we want him to keep his own natural vernix. Along with not wanting drugs, wanting to breastfeed, and wanting him to room-in.
The silly things like wanting to wear my contacts so I can see him right away… There’s more but I will save that for later.
The point is that Hubby is showing me that there are still things that I want, and the hospital and DrM are willing to try to give me since overall this pregnancy is uneventful and “normal”… other than the fact that I have to be induced as my body does not go into labor on its own (do your own research before calling me crazy, I just wish I was wrong), but that’s not “bad” to me… I know once I get the pitocin I will have a short labor and we will get to meet our son pretty quick.
It may not be the same dream as the first or second time, but today my “dream birth” goes like this…
- - We leave the girls early in the morning with my parents and head to the hospital after a cup of coffee, breakfast, and a shower for each of us. We go into our room, I change and get hooked up to the IV. We calmly talk and Hubby jokes and teases me for a couple hours, and we have an uneventful and fairly short labor and delivery. Our son is placed on my chest and doesn’t have any problems. (Hoping our older kids can come meet him at this time…) We bond until it’s time for me to move to the post-partum room while Hubby and BD head to the nursery for him to be weighed, measured and get his security band put on. He has his circumcision without issue. We have a short, uneventful stay in the hospital with our older kids free to visit us often. Then, we go home and have a quick recovery and easy transition into parenting our 4 children with 3 of them under 5 yrs old. - -
Yes it’s a dream, and this time I don’t expect it to go that smoothly. I have hope that it will, but my expectations or needs for this birth are to simply avoid a need for a c-section or excessive drugs, avoid extra medical intervention for our son, and be able to leave together after a few days. Then I hope to avoid post-partum stress and depression.
Simply at the least, I need what most would consider “typical and uncomplicated”. While I hope for more, Hubby is helping me to realize that as long as our son and I are healthy and unharmed, we had a successful delivery.
I am finally ok with that.
Your dream birth.... or what can you dream when they are no longer possible?
**Written in late June of 2010. While dealing with post-tramatic stress and regular panic attacks, caused by blaming myself for the choices I had made that led up to a birth that almost cost my husband the lives of his wife and baby girl.
- Finally posted because I feel the need to move past this as we look towards our last birth, and I am writing a follow-up before and after this birth on my feelings. So that I don't forget, and so that I can see my progress.**
You have a birth plan, then... plans change... you roll with the punches and if the outcome is what's best, then you accept what brougt you to that point, .....
right?
Lately I have been struggling with facing the last minute changes to our plans for our daughter Ladybug's birth. She's 4 1/2 months old and there are some things I don't know how to move past.
Through Butterfly's pregnancy, I was planning a waterbirth. Then, because she was 2 weeks late (I think caused by extremely high stress) they decided at my 42 week ultrasound to induce me that day.
- No waterbirth... stay in bed, high pitocin levels, and I wound up needing an epipdural to relax and breathe... less than 12 hours from the split-second decision, I was holding my first baby...
Then her father took over making the decisions... none of the things we had agreed on, fighting with me in the hospital until the nurses gave me a sleeping pill and took my baby away to the nursery "so I could rest" when all I wanted was to peacefully hold this child that had just joined the world and changed my life.
I dealt with post-partum depression for over a year after her birth.
So this time I wanted a waterbirth even more, and I was beyond grateful that Hubby was supportive of looking for a way for me to have what I wanted in a city that does not have "birthing centers" and does not allow hospital waterbirths.
We believed that we had found a way to have a safe homebirth (with people who we understood to be experienced and trained, and that could get us the proper care we needed in the event of us needing to go to the hospital) and Ladybug would be introduced to our family in the safety and security of our own tub.
It sounded like a dream come true, and I talked with many women who had done this, read book after book, online articles, and watched plenty of movies, shows, and documentaries about more who had loved their safe, happy, family oriented, home births...
Then we hit almost 32 weeks. I knew something was wrong, I was scared daily that something was going wrong with the baby... over 7 weeks of frantically stressing myself out (and yes, calling the midwives each night, and they would assure me that I was fine and that everything was "normal" and to just relax), until we were told over the phone (at 39weeks), that the midwives no longer felt comfortable with a homebirth as they thought that everything I had been saying needed to be re-evaluated by a Dr and I needed some bloodwork done to rule out serious conditions that could be causing my life-threatening symptoms. (you could say I was scared, and so was Hubby).
I hadn't kept food down in 4 days, I had been dehydrated for almost 3 days, I hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time for over a month, and I had been having contractions lasting 20-45 minutes for almost 8 weeks consistently, and I wanted to tear my skin off it itched so badly (just to name the high points that didn't seem like "normal pregnancy" issues to me or hubby).
So my parents took Butterfly and we went to the hospital. Where they didn't want to listen to anything that had happened while under the "care?" of midwives that didn't have "hospital affiliations" like we had been told.
Eventually, just after midnight, we did convince them to draw some blood and run some tests, we also convinced Dr M that we weren't leaving without a baby so he put us in a room to get some rest (I laughed), and an IV of saline to rehydrate me, and said he would see us about 8am after I was rehydrated, and we could have a baby BEFORE NOON (based on 2nd labors going faster and my 1st was very fast).....
They got the test results back just after 3am, they put me on pit, and broke my water - he said we would have a baby before 6am and smiled...
If I had known him better, I might have seen the concern in his eyes. If Hubby had met him before (and wasn't so sleep-deprived, the sweet man) he might have realized that when DrM said "a baby before 6am", he meant that was all the time I was going to be allowed to try for a natural delivery....
[I had 4 serious conditions, if I had been under a Drs care, our daughter would have been born weeks earlier... the midwives said they could get us in with a Dr in the next week and we could be induced a few days later. DrM later told my husband that waiting another week could have cost one or both of our lives.]
Just after 5am the contractions got to be more than I thought I could take, no time for an epidural and saving the many details...
Ladybug was born at 5:30am, into a Drs hands instead of my husbands, cord cut and taken across the room instead of being given to me to check and snuggle and console, wiped clean and wrapped up before I could get my wits and try to sit up... one short hour with her and then she went with Daddy and the nurse to get weighed and checked and it took forever for her to come back because they couldn't get her foot alarm to work right.
((Then she had to get poked a few times a day for blood draws, and I was not allowed to move from my bed for 24hours, then I developed something similar to bronchitis, we had to stay longer in the hospital, and it took weeks for me to finally be able to do enough to care for my children... all in all, a much harder recovery and a harder bonding with Ladybug then I had imagined in my nightmares.))
- In our plan, she was going to be given to me, we would relax and snuggle as a family, she would be weighed in my room and never have a reason to leave my side except for restroom breaks.
Different... both outcomes are a healthy mother and baby, so it doesn't matter how, right?
While Ladybug and Hubby were gone, the midwife who had made it in time to attend the birth (we asked her to come still hoping for her to act as a "monitrice", and help us know when to re-voice our wishes) looked at me after we had been told so many things, and she said "you were right, something was wrong, we always tell you to trust your mother's intuition, a momma always knows".
... for me there were no words that would come, and while I wanted to scream at her:
"then why didn't you listen to me the last month and a half?"
"why didn't you tell me that I needed a backup Dr to run other tests?"
"why did you let this happen to us and not prepare me, while feeding me a dream and a lie that you would be able to take care of us and be there on our behalf if something were to come up?"
"why? why? why?......"
I simply said "yes, but I hate that I was right".
Then, when discussing the desire to have one more child, our 4th, 2nd together, my 3rd and final pregnancy....
I learned that next time I will be high risk, I will never get my water birth, I will never be able to safely attempt a home birth, I will not be able to let Butterfly witness a birth like we prepared her to do, Doodle will not have a choice in wanting to be there or not, and I will probably need to be induced again next time...
Dreams out the window, what is left to want? Do I just accept what I have to have and focus on the healthy baby that I can only have if I obey the rules I believe shouldn't contain my experience???
**A few months after first writing this, we found out that we were expecting again, and it threw me for a huge loop. Ladybug felt my stress and fear and acted accordingly, and in the months following just living life each day felt like it was more than we could take.
We were over 4 months into the pregnancy before I accepted it, and 7 months before I was happy, and excited and looking forward to a son... but I wanted AND loved this child from the moment I found out.
Please come back and see how my feelings have changed...
- Finally posted because I feel the need to move past this as we look towards our last birth, and I am writing a follow-up before and after this birth on my feelings. So that I don't forget, and so that I can see my progress.**
You have a birth plan, then... plans change... you roll with the punches and if the outcome is what's best, then you accept what brougt you to that point, .....
right?
Lately I have been struggling with facing the last minute changes to our plans for our daughter Ladybug's birth. She's 4 1/2 months old and there are some things I don't know how to move past.
Through Butterfly's pregnancy, I was planning a waterbirth. Then, because she was 2 weeks late (I think caused by extremely high stress) they decided at my 42 week ultrasound to induce me that day.
- No waterbirth... stay in bed, high pitocin levels, and I wound up needing an epipdural to relax and breathe... less than 12 hours from the split-second decision, I was holding my first baby...
Then her father took over making the decisions... none of the things we had agreed on, fighting with me in the hospital until the nurses gave me a sleeping pill and took my baby away to the nursery "so I could rest" when all I wanted was to peacefully hold this child that had just joined the world and changed my life.
I dealt with post-partum depression for over a year after her birth.
So this time I wanted a waterbirth even more, and I was beyond grateful that Hubby was supportive of looking for a way for me to have what I wanted in a city that does not have "birthing centers" and does not allow hospital waterbirths.
We believed that we had found a way to have a safe homebirth (with people who we understood to be experienced and trained, and that could get us the proper care we needed in the event of us needing to go to the hospital) and Ladybug would be introduced to our family in the safety and security of our own tub.
It sounded like a dream come true, and I talked with many women who had done this, read book after book, online articles, and watched plenty of movies, shows, and documentaries about more who had loved their safe, happy, family oriented, home births...
Then we hit almost 32 weeks. I knew something was wrong, I was scared daily that something was going wrong with the baby... over 7 weeks of frantically stressing myself out (and yes, calling the midwives each night, and they would assure me that I was fine and that everything was "normal" and to just relax), until we were told over the phone (at 39weeks), that the midwives no longer felt comfortable with a homebirth as they thought that everything I had been saying needed to be re-evaluated by a Dr and I needed some bloodwork done to rule out serious conditions that could be causing my life-threatening symptoms. (you could say I was scared, and so was Hubby).
I hadn't kept food down in 4 days, I had been dehydrated for almost 3 days, I hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time for over a month, and I had been having contractions lasting 20-45 minutes for almost 8 weeks consistently, and I wanted to tear my skin off it itched so badly (just to name the high points that didn't seem like "normal pregnancy" issues to me or hubby).
So my parents took Butterfly and we went to the hospital. Where they didn't want to listen to anything that had happened while under the "care?" of midwives that didn't have "hospital affiliations" like we had been told.
Eventually, just after midnight, we did convince them to draw some blood and run some tests, we also convinced Dr M that we weren't leaving without a baby so he put us in a room to get some rest (I laughed), and an IV of saline to rehydrate me, and said he would see us about 8am after I was rehydrated, and we could have a baby BEFORE NOON (based on 2nd labors going faster and my 1st was very fast).....
They got the test results back just after 3am, they put me on pit, and broke my water - he said we would have a baby before 6am and smiled...
If I had known him better, I might have seen the concern in his eyes. If Hubby had met him before (and wasn't so sleep-deprived, the sweet man) he might have realized that when DrM said "a baby before 6am", he meant that was all the time I was going to be allowed to try for a natural delivery....
[I had 4 serious conditions, if I had been under a Drs care, our daughter would have been born weeks earlier... the midwives said they could get us in with a Dr in the next week and we could be induced a few days later. DrM later told my husband that waiting another week could have cost one or both of our lives.]
Just after 5am the contractions got to be more than I thought I could take, no time for an epidural and saving the many details...
Ladybug was born at 5:30am, into a Drs hands instead of my husbands, cord cut and taken across the room instead of being given to me to check and snuggle and console, wiped clean and wrapped up before I could get my wits and try to sit up... one short hour with her and then she went with Daddy and the nurse to get weighed and checked and it took forever for her to come back because they couldn't get her foot alarm to work right.
((Then she had to get poked a few times a day for blood draws, and I was not allowed to move from my bed for 24hours, then I developed something similar to bronchitis, we had to stay longer in the hospital, and it took weeks for me to finally be able to do enough to care for my children... all in all, a much harder recovery and a harder bonding with Ladybug then I had imagined in my nightmares.))
- In our plan, she was going to be given to me, we would relax and snuggle as a family, she would be weighed in my room and never have a reason to leave my side except for restroom breaks.
Different... both outcomes are a healthy mother and baby, so it doesn't matter how, right?
While Ladybug and Hubby were gone, the midwife who had made it in time to attend the birth (we asked her to come still hoping for her to act as a "monitrice", and help us know when to re-voice our wishes) looked at me after we had been told so many things, and she said "you were right, something was wrong, we always tell you to trust your mother's intuition, a momma always knows".
... for me there were no words that would come, and while I wanted to scream at her:
"then why didn't you listen to me the last month and a half?"
"why didn't you tell me that I needed a backup Dr to run other tests?"
"why did you let this happen to us and not prepare me, while feeding me a dream and a lie that you would be able to take care of us and be there on our behalf if something were to come up?"
"why? why? why?......"
I simply said "yes, but I hate that I was right".
Then, when discussing the desire to have one more child, our 4th, 2nd together, my 3rd and final pregnancy....
I learned that next time I will be high risk, I will never get my water birth, I will never be able to safely attempt a home birth, I will not be able to let Butterfly witness a birth like we prepared her to do, Doodle will not have a choice in wanting to be there or not, and I will probably need to be induced again next time...
Dreams out the window, what is left to want? Do I just accept what I have to have and focus on the healthy baby that I can only have if I obey the rules I believe shouldn't contain my experience???
**A few months after first writing this, we found out that we were expecting again, and it threw me for a huge loop. Ladybug felt my stress and fear and acted accordingly, and in the months following just living life each day felt like it was more than we could take.
We were over 4 months into the pregnancy before I accepted it, and 7 months before I was happy, and excited and looking forward to a son... but I wanted AND loved this child from the moment I found out.
Please come back and see how my feelings have changed...
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