So it's been a while......
I'm only a little sorry, see it just so happens that our life totally changed immediatly after my last post. Our little Ladybug who was working towards sleeping through the night and was starting to follow her older sister's social butterfly ways, suddenly became a clingy child that would not sleep for anything!
This hit at the same time that we were hit with separate but very impacting news/fights? about each of our ex's trying to make our life more difficult (did they meet, talk and conspire together?) through the older children... who already have soo much to deal with! Can't we just play nice until they are adults and we don't have to have contact anymore?
Well, soon after, Ladybug started crawling... and said "DADA"... and then cruising.... and so we thought things would get better!
They haven't :(
Soo, then we looked into other things, all the while trying to find ways to up my milk supply which despite her nursing every 45 mins to 2 hours was diminishing... after seriously over producing with my first daughter, this made no sense to me!
Then,
my husband asked the forbidden question!
I had to indulge,
I had to show him he was wrong,
I had to.....
I had to test..
and so....
we learned...
that we are expecting a new baby!!
We sat on the news, absorbing the idea of children just over a year apart...
There is a 6 yr gap between Doodle & Butterfly, a 4 yr gap between Butterfly and Ladybug (yes a 10 yr gap between Doodle and Ladybug) so this "gap" doesn't feel like one at all.
We will soon be parents to an 11 yr old, a 5 yr old, a 1 yr old, and a newborn!
By soon, I mean in about 6 months...
Yes - we will find out our Baby's gender
NO - we will not try for another homebirth
Yes - the baby will be born in the hospital but without all the interventions
and finally
Yes -this is our last time.
Sad, yet freeing...
With such spacings between our children, we are ready to move out of baby stages and on with child stages. We want to enjoy all of our children, and give them all wonderful FAMILY memories. We want them all to enjoy each other and we want to have the ability to spend time with each of them.
So our current "family project" is to totally rearrange the house, changing almost every room in the house, preparing not only for this baby, but for the family time and projects that we want to start or continue.
Wish us luck :) and don't take it personal if you know me in real life and I don't have time to hang out, I promise it's not you, it's life... but I'm sure this trying time will take it's toll on many friendships and I guess I'm ready for that... I just hope that I still have a few when this time is over!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
promises, promises....
About 10 days ago, our baby turned 6 months old. She is pulling up and trying to stand, crawling backwards, head-scooting, rolling, rocking and jabbering like crazy.
She is such an amazing little girl and brings so much joy to our lives!!
So we kept our promise to the kids (that they begged us to make when we told them we were pregnant) and got another dog. An English Lab mix puppy. He's 7 weeks old and we named him Moose since we are pretty sure that he will be bigger than the 2 dogs we have; a Basset Hound named Sammy that's 2yrs and a Beagle/Jack Russel/Akita/Welsh Corgi mix named Colby that's also 2 yrs.
Housebreaking is definatly m least favorite part, but he's not doing too bad!! He's still having a rough time sleeping alone, but our other 2 are crate trained so we are trying to do the same with him. Poor little guy would much rather sleep with us, but since he isn't fully house trained yet, it isn't an option.
Colby who protected me from other dogs during the pregnancy and won't let other dogs near his food is having the hardest time with Moose. He is willing to share food, but still tries to protect the baby from the puppy.
Sammy is excited to have him around to play and gets frustrated when the puppy tires out before he does.
All 3 kids are in love, and I think we found a great new addition to our family : D
She is such an amazing little girl and brings so much joy to our lives!!
So we kept our promise to the kids (that they begged us to make when we told them we were pregnant) and got another dog. An English Lab mix puppy. He's 7 weeks old and we named him Moose since we are pretty sure that he will be bigger than the 2 dogs we have; a Basset Hound named Sammy that's 2yrs and a Beagle/Jack Russel/Akita/Welsh Corgi mix named Colby that's also 2 yrs.
Housebreaking is definatly m least favorite part, but he's not doing too bad!! He's still having a rough time sleeping alone, but our other 2 are crate trained so we are trying to do the same with him. Poor little guy would much rather sleep with us, but since he isn't fully house trained yet, it isn't an option.
Colby who protected me from other dogs during the pregnancy and won't let other dogs near his food is having the hardest time with Moose. He is willing to share food, but still tries to protect the baby from the puppy.
Sammy is excited to have him around to play and gets frustrated when the puppy tires out before he does.
All 3 kids are in love, and I think we found a great new addition to our family : D
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I love you....
A definition:
Love is both an action and a feeling. Love is a profoundly tender, warm, loyal, personal, deep affection for another person.
The diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even to compare to other emotional states.
A little background:
1 - I am trying to work through anxiety (more on that some other time) so right now when I feel an attack coming on I will try to get away by myself to calm down after some really dumb arguments made me learn the beginning of an attack.
2 - We are trying to find a balance between Doodle's lack of rules at his other house and the basic rules we have here. For him and for consistency with all other children in the house. Without treating him "like a child."
So last night, events during family dinner were leading me towards an anxiety attack, but I was trying to calm myself while finishing without bothering anyone. *It didn't work, so I will excuse myself next time.* Doodle asked for more salad and then a few bites in decided he was done and didn't want to finish. This was following both Daddy and I repeatedly reminding Butterfly that she had to finish her dinner. He got up to throw his in the trash.
The stream of possible senarios all turned badly in my head so I quietly stormed upstairs. Doodle got upset by this and cried to Daddy that "she hates me".
When I was told this I had almost calmed myself, so rather than having myself a pity party like I wanted to I tried to put Doodle's needs before my own.
Ladybug had just fallen asleep so I put her in her crib, put Butterfly in her room to play after shutting the door and telling her to wait until we came to get her, and asked Daddy to have the 3 of us talk.
It was emotional, but we needed to get some more cards on the table.
Sadly, Doodle has to be let in on some "adult" issues due to the circumstances so that he can understand the reasons behind some of our actions and goals. A little into the conversation, I told Doodle that I love him, and gave him some compliments.... I thought he knew that, I half expected him to (like a teenager) tell me that I didn't, or roll his eyes, say "ok", nod, or ignore it altogether... it's not like I expected him to say it back!
I was blown away and am still confused by his reaction; he cried and ran away.
I guess he wasn't expecting that; especially then, and I guess he didn't know that.
His reaction made me realize some things, made me think, and makes me want to be not only a better mom, but a better person. I feel badly that I've never told him that before. I feel horrible that I wasn't showing it enough to him.
It makes me wonder: - Does he not hear it that much? - Does he not take compliments well? - What does he really think of me and how I feel about him? - Will this change things? If so, how? - Why did I not make it clear sooner?
To be honest, I can't see my life without him anymore.
He's my son! Yes, he was given to me by marriage only a year and a half ago and may not be here all the time, but I worry about him and miss him and wish for more time with him. I have a very strong desire to help him reach his full potential and become a wonderful young man.
That being said, I now feel that I should find better ways to show him how much I really do love him. I think it's fair to say that's a normal struggle with a 10 yr old. It's not like I can just pick him up and go snuggle with him like I do with little ones. I can't take him to go play baseball (I can't play so it would be NO fun, and who would watch the girls?).
So what can I do and how can I show him that I love him for him?
Not just because he's my husband's son and my daughters' brother?
I love Doodle because he makes me laugh (like his dad), he makes me smile, he makes me think. He can talk his way into or out of many things, he's passionate about things he loves, he's fiercly protective of his sisters, he's bright, and trusting, and gentle. He's inquisitive and doesn't accept simple answers from me. He's amazing at baseball and just a great kid that (unless he's sucked into a video game) doesn't like to have a dull moment.
He's really just irreplaceable, and last night made me realize that I need to let him know that a little better.
Love is both an action and a feeling. Love is a profoundly tender, warm, loyal, personal, deep affection for another person.
The diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even to compare to other emotional states.
A little background:
1 - I am trying to work through anxiety (more on that some other time) so right now when I feel an attack coming on I will try to get away by myself to calm down after some really dumb arguments made me learn the beginning of an attack.
2 - We are trying to find a balance between Doodle's lack of rules at his other house and the basic rules we have here. For him and for consistency with all other children in the house. Without treating him "like a child."
So last night, events during family dinner were leading me towards an anxiety attack, but I was trying to calm myself while finishing without bothering anyone. *It didn't work, so I will excuse myself next time.* Doodle asked for more salad and then a few bites in decided he was done and didn't want to finish. This was following both Daddy and I repeatedly reminding Butterfly that she had to finish her dinner. He got up to throw his in the trash.
The stream of possible senarios all turned badly in my head so I quietly stormed upstairs. Doodle got upset by this and cried to Daddy that "she hates me".
When I was told this I had almost calmed myself, so rather than having myself a pity party like I wanted to I tried to put Doodle's needs before my own.
Ladybug had just fallen asleep so I put her in her crib, put Butterfly in her room to play after shutting the door and telling her to wait until we came to get her, and asked Daddy to have the 3 of us talk.
It was emotional, but we needed to get some more cards on the table.
Sadly, Doodle has to be let in on some "adult" issues due to the circumstances so that he can understand the reasons behind some of our actions and goals. A little into the conversation, I told Doodle that I love him, and gave him some compliments.... I thought he knew that, I half expected him to (like a teenager) tell me that I didn't, or roll his eyes, say "ok", nod, or ignore it altogether... it's not like I expected him to say it back!
I was blown away and am still confused by his reaction; he cried and ran away.
I guess he wasn't expecting that; especially then, and I guess he didn't know that.
His reaction made me realize some things, made me think, and makes me want to be not only a better mom, but a better person. I feel badly that I've never told him that before. I feel horrible that I wasn't showing it enough to him.
It makes me wonder: - Does he not hear it that much? - Does he not take compliments well? - What does he really think of me and how I feel about him? - Will this change things? If so, how? - Why did I not make it clear sooner?
To be honest, I can't see my life without him anymore.
He's my son! Yes, he was given to me by marriage only a year and a half ago and may not be here all the time, but I worry about him and miss him and wish for more time with him. I have a very strong desire to help him reach his full potential and become a wonderful young man.
That being said, I now feel that I should find better ways to show him how much I really do love him. I think it's fair to say that's a normal struggle with a 10 yr old. It's not like I can just pick him up and go snuggle with him like I do with little ones. I can't take him to go play baseball (I can't play so it would be NO fun, and who would watch the girls?).
So what can I do and how can I show him that I love him for him?
Not just because he's my husband's son and my daughters' brother?
I love Doodle because he makes me laugh (like his dad), he makes me smile, he makes me think. He can talk his way into or out of many things, he's passionate about things he loves, he's fiercly protective of his sisters, he's bright, and trusting, and gentle. He's inquisitive and doesn't accept simple answers from me. He's amazing at baseball and just a great kid that (unless he's sucked into a video game) doesn't like to have a dull moment.
He's really just irreplaceable, and last night made me realize that I need to let him know that a little better.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
one week...
This week we have a lot planned, housework though I've been struggling with it is getting pushed to the side, and we are staying busy.
Doodlebug is here, ALL WEEK LONG!!!!!
You could feel the buzz of excitement contained in that news for days before he came :) We have all been looking forward to it. An extended time to spend with him!
Usually he is only here for a few days, and quickly tires of the young girls' antics and cries. This time its different. While he does restate "it's going to be a looong week" each time one of his sisters makes an unhappy noise... he has initiated play times with each of them!
This week, I am loving having all 3 of our kids and trying to stay in the moment, not get caught up wishing that every week is like this <3
Doodlebug is here, ALL WEEK LONG!!!!!
You could feel the buzz of excitement contained in that news for days before he came :) We have all been looking forward to it. An extended time to spend with him!
Usually he is only here for a few days, and quickly tires of the young girls' antics and cries. This time its different. While he does restate "it's going to be a looong week" each time one of his sisters makes an unhappy noise... he has initiated play times with each of them!
This week, I am loving having all 3 of our kids and trying to stay in the moment, not get caught up wishing that every week is like this <3
Monday, June 28, 2010
Camping
We spent a wonderful half week camping. 2 parents, 2 little girls, 2 dogs... we had fun!
We relaxed and built fires, I read a book, we played catch and "tennis"/badmitton.
Daddy taught Butterfly to cast her fishing pole and after getting bored 10 minutes into it and losing her hook, she had fun practicing in the grass for days :)
Ladybug was the happiest she's ever been, getting her feet dirty, staring at the sky, watching her doggies, and watching the river!
We played a bit in the river and even went to Old Man's Cave one afternoon with the dogs and took a hike on the trails through there!
Fun, Relaxing, Refreshing, Exciting! Great family memories... which brings me to wonder if all trips are "family" trips if it's most and not all of the family?
I not then what do we call it? or if so, then what do we call it to the family member not there? now or in the future...
Another challenge of having a split but blended family structure...
We will go back again, to the same place whether it's a few more times this year or not until next year.
Anyplace that makes Butterfly declare daily that "God made a beautiful world for us" is worth going back to!
We relaxed and built fires, I read a book, we played catch and "tennis"/badmitton.
Daddy taught Butterfly to cast her fishing pole and after getting bored 10 minutes into it and losing her hook, she had fun practicing in the grass for days :)
Ladybug was the happiest she's ever been, getting her feet dirty, staring at the sky, watching her doggies, and watching the river!
We played a bit in the river and even went to Old Man's Cave one afternoon with the dogs and took a hike on the trails through there!
Fun, Relaxing, Refreshing, Exciting! Great family memories... which brings me to wonder if all trips are "family" trips if it's most and not all of the family?
I not then what do we call it? or if so, then what do we call it to the family member not there? now or in the future...
Another challenge of having a split but blended family structure...
We will go back again, to the same place whether it's a few more times this year or not until next year.
Anyplace that makes Butterfly declare daily that "God made a beautiful world for us" is worth going back to!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Trying to do what's best for her, even if it's hard for me...
You know the old Hymn...
" I have decided, to follow Jesus. I have decided, to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back"
Following Christ is a big decision, but if it is one that you have been presented with then you know that it's a life changing one. You know that from now on your life will follow a path in a direction where you know the final destination.
You know that every decision you make afterwards, brings you back to the question, is this the direction God is leading me to take?
We all know that there are many decisions, that are life altering, and once made... are unchangeable, you can never turn back the time and re-choose your decision.
So this hymn has been in my head for days... as I have been struggling with some decisions about our older daughter. I don't know where to turn for answers, yet I feel like the decisions I make now in this area are ones that are life altering and I can never go back and change the decision to get a different outcome... They are decisions that will lead us on a path towards a specific destination... but there's my problem.
I want to know the destination before I make the decisions, I want to know where we are heading before I take the next step, I want the answers before I ask the questions...
My struggle?
How does one ever really know what is best for your child when faced with a plethora of issues??
See, her bio father resurfaced when my husband and I married last year. In short, he wasn't ready for the changes that a baby brings when she was born. We separated for many reasons when she was a few months old, and he mainly saw her for her Birthdays and Christmas. Last year, just before her 3rd Birthday he worked with me to start a visitation schedule. He got minimal contact due to my fear of him leaving her again.
No mother will put her child in harm's way willingly, right? So I did what I thought was best at the time and kept him at arm's length so she could meet him but not get attached and thereby not get hurt.
Our pregnancy was rough so I was no longer able to be the supervisor and my dad was able to step up for me. I took back over as soon as I could after our baby came.
He has made it a point to keep up the regular visits and now he has started bringing his fiance with him and recently told me that they are expecting their first baby together. He also told me that he wants more time with our daughter. She is now attached and developing a relationship with both of them.
He is no longer the person I left, or he doesn't seem to be. He seems to have grown up and is now driven to live his life for himself instead of, well, what he used to live for. It's great that our daughter should never meet the person I knew, but I am very hesitant about her getting close to this new person that I don't know and his fiance that I know nothing about.
So where do I go from here? If it was what I wanted for me he would just go away, but I can't make him and I shouldn't try to stop her from having a relationship with her father. So to try to find a balance... but what? More time together I think, but there are so many things that concern me with all the unknowns. They want to be in her life permanantly, and for her I am willing to do whatever it takes to give her the best variety and the most opportunities to learn/do/see new things and have new experiences.
Does that mean that I need to get to know them? Or continue to keep them at arm's length and just try to work on rules and boundaries that I feel keep her safety and innocence intact?
I believe that I have moved past the pain he put me through. I have no desire to hurt him like he hurt me. I don't want to make him pay for what he did to me. I'm happy where I am, I love my life and I know that I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gone through that period in my life that unfortunately was with him.
Problem is, as a mother there is a different kind of pain that I still have from that time. I don't know how to move past the pain of what he put her through, she was a baby and didn't deserve the pain and stress. It still hurts that when he walked out time and again, he was walking away from her… he mad other people and other things have more importance in his life than she did. It still concerns me that he was oblivious to the harm that she barely escaped from in the situations that he continually put her into. I can't make him pay for what he did to her back then or that she now has to work through her family relationships differently because of him. I wouldn't want to if I could... but it still leaves me with a hesitation that if I give him too much freedom with the visits, in the end SHE is the one that could get hurt... and this time she would remember it.
So I have decided to do what I think is best for her... move forward and look at only how today, not yesterday, could affect her future. Hopefully it will put all of us in a better position to give her the best life she can have in these circumstances.
I am going to move past the pain and the fear. I am going to trust that this is just another part of following Jesus. God will not give me more than I can handle, and God will help me stay on the path I'm supposed to be on. God gave me my husband partly so that my daughter could have a daddy who is a wonderful male role model and great example of what to look for in her future relationships. God will show us all where to go and will help us get there.
So I will follow, try harder to not look back, and only move forward... because it's what's best for her!
" I have decided, to follow Jesus. I have decided, to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back"
Following Christ is a big decision, but if it is one that you have been presented with then you know that it's a life changing one. You know that from now on your life will follow a path in a direction where you know the final destination.
You know that every decision you make afterwards, brings you back to the question, is this the direction God is leading me to take?
We all know that there are many decisions, that are life altering, and once made... are unchangeable, you can never turn back the time and re-choose your decision.
So this hymn has been in my head for days... as I have been struggling with some decisions about our older daughter. I don't know where to turn for answers, yet I feel like the decisions I make now in this area are ones that are life altering and I can never go back and change the decision to get a different outcome... They are decisions that will lead us on a path towards a specific destination... but there's my problem.
I want to know the destination before I make the decisions, I want to know where we are heading before I take the next step, I want the answers before I ask the questions...
My struggle?
How does one ever really know what is best for your child when faced with a plethora of issues??
See, her bio father resurfaced when my husband and I married last year. In short, he wasn't ready for the changes that a baby brings when she was born. We separated for many reasons when she was a few months old, and he mainly saw her for her Birthdays and Christmas. Last year, just before her 3rd Birthday he worked with me to start a visitation schedule. He got minimal contact due to my fear of him leaving her again.
No mother will put her child in harm's way willingly, right? So I did what I thought was best at the time and kept him at arm's length so she could meet him but not get attached and thereby not get hurt.
Our pregnancy was rough so I was no longer able to be the supervisor and my dad was able to step up for me. I took back over as soon as I could after our baby came.
He has made it a point to keep up the regular visits and now he has started bringing his fiance with him and recently told me that they are expecting their first baby together. He also told me that he wants more time with our daughter. She is now attached and developing a relationship with both of them.
He is no longer the person I left, or he doesn't seem to be. He seems to have grown up and is now driven to live his life for himself instead of, well, what he used to live for. It's great that our daughter should never meet the person I knew, but I am very hesitant about her getting close to this new person that I don't know and his fiance that I know nothing about.
So where do I go from here? If it was what I wanted for me he would just go away, but I can't make him and I shouldn't try to stop her from having a relationship with her father. So to try to find a balance... but what? More time together I think, but there are so many things that concern me with all the unknowns. They want to be in her life permanantly, and for her I am willing to do whatever it takes to give her the best variety and the most opportunities to learn/do/see new things and have new experiences.
Does that mean that I need to get to know them? Or continue to keep them at arm's length and just try to work on rules and boundaries that I feel keep her safety and innocence intact?
I believe that I have moved past the pain he put me through. I have no desire to hurt him like he hurt me. I don't want to make him pay for what he did to me. I'm happy where I am, I love my life and I know that I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gone through that period in my life that unfortunately was with him.
Problem is, as a mother there is a different kind of pain that I still have from that time. I don't know how to move past the pain of what he put her through, she was a baby and didn't deserve the pain and stress. It still hurts that when he walked out time and again, he was walking away from her… he mad other people and other things have more importance in his life than she did. It still concerns me that he was oblivious to the harm that she barely escaped from in the situations that he continually put her into. I can't make him pay for what he did to her back then or that she now has to work through her family relationships differently because of him. I wouldn't want to if I could... but it still leaves me with a hesitation that if I give him too much freedom with the visits, in the end SHE is the one that could get hurt... and this time she would remember it.
So I have decided to do what I think is best for her... move forward and look at only how today, not yesterday, could affect her future. Hopefully it will put all of us in a better position to give her the best life she can have in these circumstances.
I am going to move past the pain and the fear. I am going to trust that this is just another part of following Jesus. God will not give me more than I can handle, and God will help me stay on the path I'm supposed to be on. God gave me my husband partly so that my daughter could have a daddy who is a wonderful male role model and great example of what to look for in her future relationships. God will show us all where to go and will help us get there.
So I will follow, try harder to not look back, and only move forward... because it's what's best for her!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Kids and their Birthday celebrations...
Our son turned 10 recently. We bought him his first cell phone (in hopes of talking to him more), took him to Magic Mountain, and basically made the whole weekend his choice....Our older daughter is turning 4 next week. We are having a backyard party with friends, and building her a playset/swingset.
Is that fair?
We made the weekend all about our son... we will make the day all about her. He got a family only "party" with mini golf where I think he won, or came pretty close. He played video games, go-karts, and sprinter cars... where Daddy beat him, but they still had fun :)
Everyone had fun for his Birthday, and all our kids will have fun on "her" playset...
so I'm trying to decide if I'm doing too much with trying to make her cakes as well...
She wants a Butterfly and Ladybug Birthday Party... so red chocolate chip or srawberry chocolate chip ice cream scoops will resemble ladybugs, or so I hope.
So I'm thinking of making Butterfly cakes... by making a round cake, cutting it in half and putting the round parts together, then cutting triangles out of what used to be the middle of the cake... then spread Icing, and trace the outside to make wings and put a big stripe down the middle for the body.
I missed a picture of it before she started "helping" decorate... but she has a beautiful creation, doesn't she?Is it just their ages? Or is it that she lives with us that makes it different? I don't want to give him more or less because he isn't here, I don't like the idea of "making up for time by spending money"
I also don't want her to miss out or get more just because she gets us all the time so she doesn't need as much or its easier to give her more...
I feel I need to find a balance...
I feel I need to find a balance...
This is becoming a regular struggle in my mind, to still be fair when we can't be equal to our kids... right now their birthdays are the biggest thing puzzling me.
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