Past the 1 year mark!

Supposedly now, my chances of survival skyrocket...
I guess if I was listening to the doctors and only doing what they said, I might feel differently.
I don't.
I haven't.
See almost a year ago, just after my Anniversary and just before Mother's Day, I was in the Hospital having a double mastectomy to get rid of ALL my breast tissue from having stage 2, triple-negative Breast Cancer. Nothing was celebrated the way I wanted, but then our lives had been turned upside down the beginning of April when a lumpectomy (surgery to remove a lump) revealed cancer.
I already told you how I felt then.
I believe I already told you that the morning after my surgery, I was scared and confused but to hurt to be outraged, I was taken to have a bone scan and a liver scan without my permission. The surgeon had given us a choice of while I was in the hospital, or coming back a few weeks later.
We had agreed on waiting a few weeks.
The thoughts being many, but lets do one major crazy to my body at a time!!
So then imagine!
Before my husband could come back the next morning, being woken from a drug & pain induced sleep to be asked, "Ready now?" by someone you've never seen that doesn't answer any questions and apparently only knows the words "ready now?", "down", and "yes?" in English!!
Where are you taking me?? - "down, yes?"
Where's my husband? Why isn't he here? Where are we going?   -  "yes, down, yes?"
See?? It was scary!!
It was not a fun ride. It was bumpy and painful and scary. I got a shot that made me feel like my blood was freezing. Rode back to my room, got more pain meds. Slept. Twice more this happened, same guy, same wake up, same bumpy, painful, scary ride. Once to lay on a frozen metal bed covered by a thin sheet, to be jostled through a ring that made me hot and sweaty over and over. The other time to be on a plastic bed and have what looked like a large trailer come down at me like it was going to smash me into a paper doll.
No answers to my questions.
Then I got to go back to my room and my husband was there waiting for me. When he asked where I was, they had answered him so he told me and then the nurse explained it...
The kids came to visit me later that day. I cried when they left.
The next morning as I was getting ready to leave, the surgeon called. He apologized for not coming in to see me but he had come down with a flu or something...
He told me that all the test results came back clean.
He said if he had to put a number on it, well my chance of it coming back would be around 2-3%.
He, of course, reminded me that my chances would be cut in half with Chemo.

Yes, I would go from 2-3% down to 1-1.5%!! Great!!
Except that in the same Drs offices I had read that every woman walking this Earth has a 3-5% chance of getting Breast Cancer.
So he just told me my chances are safer than that woman down there, crossing the street, or that one in her car, or... well, you get my point.
Meanwhile, from those who have been through Chemo... they have to live a year after Chemo without a relapse before they get news like that. Many don't. Many have to do it again. Many eventually die from Chemo killing all the good in their body and something "minor" turns into something major and they "die from complications"... I think they die from Chemo.
You won't change my mind.

All that to say, that for those of you who know about me but still hold tighter to the medical field, I am still here!
I have reached the **magic** 1 year mark.
More importantly for me, I had my final (and another final accidental) surgery to remove the torture tissue expanders and replace them with my final size, silicone "foobies".
I am happy to be done, but still accepting where we had to stop for my final size.
Time to recover, recoup, and restart!!

2 months and my birthday...

so it's been about 2 months since my last post...
I started getting antsy about being done and so I had 3 fills where we did 75cc on the left and 50, 50, & 25cc on the right. I have been in so much pain the last 3 1/2 weeks since the last one, I think it was too much too quick :(
Let me start over...
I had my 29th Birthday last week!! Yay!!
Except not, and it's not the "oh I'm getting older" problem, it's the "I really thought I would be done by now and I would have a reason to celebrate my last 20's birthday..."
I'm tired of asking friends for help like playdates, and, well, playdates is really the only thing I have asked for. It is still so hard somedays for me to get the kids out of the house because it still hurts so badly physically.
I have a few friends (one that has been amazing and came for 2 visits for a week each time from another state, "we love you A!!"), that said maybe this is God's way of showing you how to ask and accept help. Ok, then why has almost everyone within an hour of me practically forgotten about me?
Hubby has started a new job, one that seriously landed in his lap and hard as we tried to walk away from the amazing offer, they just kept upping the offer until we could no longer say no (on a time resraint, they needed him to start the following week!). He now works there Mon-Thurs leaving at 8am and coming home usually around 11pm. Our Studio project is also gaining momentum and he has been doing 10-14 hour days all weekend except sunday, we go to church as a family so he usually does 6-8 hour days so he can spend a little time with us...
Our goal is still for him to be able to go full time in the studio in the next year and with the way buisness is picking up, it looks like the dream could become a reality!
My parents have been huge supporters, they have their own lives and jobs. My dad works full time and is also what some would call a part time preacher/teacher as well as my personal researcher when he isn't researching and learning for himself or someone else. My mom works 2 almost full-time jobs outside her home but regularly goes into overtime working from home, while also learning and creating her own program and being in buisness for herself, and a Bible school teacher... this is ignoring her being my ear to vent to and most importantly our regular sitter for our kids, and at times our transportation when I hurt too much to drive, and our on-call "helper".

We are still Homeschooling. Butterfly is almost half-way done with 1st grade, beaming about her first "report card" and still chugging along getting 6-10 days done each week even though we regularly only do school 4 days a week!
Ladybug and Tweedle are learning and enjoying the many crafts and science experiments, as well as Ladybug learning her letters! We are planning to start Ladybug in Kindergarten (with a plan to do the lightwork one year and then full work the following year) when Butterfly starts 2nd!
It's been months since Doodle has come to visit, he got braces and is doing well in school even taking some advanced classes. We really enjoyed seeing him last weekend.

Oh and we got a new 2 month old puppy a few weeks ago... housebreaking is still rough but life is starting to feel normal with only 1 animal in the house.

I am falling behind. I am in a lot of pain. I am coming on my self-imposed deadlines with little to no progress to show for it... I'm starting to fight my depression again.. I'm struggling with seeing the next step, much less the way out.

The phone call was 6 1/2 months before my birthday... things moved quickly and we had a plan and things would be hard for 4-5 months then I was supposed to have weeks or months of normalacy between the harsh reminders that I am becoming a survivor... 3 months between surgeries is long enough to recover, have some "normal" time then do prep to get us through the next one.

I am trying to look forward even with the emergency surgery that has set me back, even with our current insuarance issues ( that should be cleared up next month?) and even through the daily pain.
I am trying to create vertical space in my home on a penny budget, so that we can have a home for everything so that I can find order in my home and that alone should help releave some stress.
We have joined a homeschool group and will start attending weekly group meetings in a few months.
I hope to find a few moms to understand and support/help me find a way to feel some control over this crazy time.
Homeschooling, with 2 toddlers, with Hubby working 10-14hrs/day - 7 days/week, trying to re-organize the house, all while becoming a breast cancer survivor... I know it can be done, I've heard of others who have done more.. I CAN do this, I just struggle with making and sticking to a plan.

"No boobie should ever pop!'

What a week!!
Butterfly's Birthday Party went really well. We surprised her with ponies that came to give her and her friends rides. Her friends each took 1-3 rides, but Butterfly kept riding and riding until her hour was up :)

Our friends from out of state made it in the night before so we had 4 parents and 8 children in the house. Made for fun bedtimes!! We had fun taking the kids to COSI & the Zoo. Then hanging out around the house. They decided last minute to stay the rest of the week, so we all went to my parents for a cookout and some fireworks.

We hung around the house catching up on sleep and laundry the next day. Then in Celebration of one child's Birthday, we started to get ready to take them all for a trip to the mall. As I started getting dressed, I noticed a nickel sized black spot on my lump where I was supposed to be watching for changes.
A call to the Dr and I was heading into an appt instead of the mall for some fun.
My Husband was able to meet me there and help me calm down as the Dr explained that I needed more fluid removed to release some pressure on that side, then we were changing things for monday. Instead of an appt, I was going in for surgery.
So yesterday: Doodle was at his moms, Butterfly had gone to her fathers house for the weekend, we helped our friends get packed up and they left, then my parents came to get the littles. Ladybug was ecstatic about going, but Tweedle had no desire to leave mommy.

Tweedle and I hung out, eating chips and watching TV. He dropped his cup off the couch and when i reached for it, my left arm got wet. I realized my shirt was really wet, my white bra was wet and yellow, and my soft pad was soaked through. When I pulled it off to see the problem, I had yellow fluid gushing out a small pin hole.
We finally reached the Dr and he said to soak gauze in peroxide and put that on the hole. He doesn't want me to go through emergency surgery if I don't have to so we are trying to keep things under control until my surgery... less than 40 hours from the time it popped open.

The Dr called me this morning to check on me and said as long as the hole stays smaller then a quarter (it is now slightly smaller than a dime), we are fine to wait until tomorrow. I'm still supposed to call him if something changes, but we are hoping to stick with the plan so that he can do the surgery and things go the way we discussed.

We don't want any surprises, but if there are some, he wants to be there so he can take care of them and knows what happened for future planning with my treatment.

This is a rare problem, it doesn't usually happen. So we are pretty sure it won't happen again, but as I have learned time and again the past couple years; Life does not come with any guarantees!

Basically, I'm starting over with fills on that side and this is going to extend the amount of time that I have to wait before getting my final 2 surgeries, but it's not a permanent problem and I can still finish doing what I was trying to do... get to the point where I can live my life without a constant reminder that my body was broken. Just be a mom, wife, business owner... a person that can physically do what is needed and doesn't need constant help.

For now I have to go back to "bedrest" for the next few weeks, and take it easy after that too. We finally have a few sitters that I can trust alone with my kids so I can focus on getting me back to where I need to be and rest when my body needs it, confident that my kids are having fun and being taken care of!!

Fill 4, & this week is full of bad news all around me...

So... I realized that waiting 3 weeks would mean my appointment would land on a day when my dear friend will be here. I can't wait to spend time with her and her family!! This will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will have all our kids together again (including each of our 1 yr olds!).
So I thought about it and felt more comfortable with getting a smaller fill but seeing the Dr sooner because my left side was still concerning me. I went back this past monday after waiting only 2 weeks...

I'm glad I did. The lower half of my left lump isn't doing so well... the skin is thinner than it should be and the Dr is concerned it might be dying. If that happens (there's a whole list of things I was cautioned about) then I need surgery to remove the lower half, they will pull the top down and attach it and I will have to start my fills all over on that side...
I'm concerned. At first I was bothered that after this concern was explained to me the Dr went ahead and wanted 25cc added to each side (this brings me to 300 on L and 325 on R and my goal is 500). My hubby calmed me down and re-explained that he was trying to make sure he had enough skin to pull down and reach the bottom if the worst happened... *sigh*


Now I'm stuck back to doing as little as possible with my left arm so I don't stretch the skin and cause it to burst (that just sounds scary!). We go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing, unless I start leaking or scabbing or something before that. If that happens I need to call immediately :(

In other news, the kids were starting to treat me "normally" again even without my "puff" pillows (fake boobs) in my shirt...
Lady bug has brought them to me a couple times and told me,"Here you need these a yook yike my mommy!" ... Tweedle carries them around when he finds them (I have 2 pairs), hugging and kissing them as gentle as he can be, seems they are his new lovies :(
Both littles have refused to come near me unless I have"puffs" in my bra and somedays that's really hard for me to swallow!
Now I have had enough fills that while still smallish, they do appear to be there again.

Then, the cat that used to be my husband's but stayed with Doodle and his mom after the divorce died this week and Doodle is taking it pretty hard. Amazing the cat was 17, but heartbroken for Doodle :'(

Finally, our Niece... (Hubby's 2nd sister died from this disease/syndrome when her daughters were babies, sadly both girls have it too and require surgeries every couple years to keep them alive) was fine a couple days ago and suddenly in the middle of the night was rushed to the hospital and underwent major heart surgery yesterday. Hubby's poor mom, not only did she go through this with her 3rd child, now she's raising the girls as her 5th & 6th kids, and goes through these scares and surgeries with them :(
She is an incredibly strong woman and mother and I can't imagine the daily stress she goes through making sure that she does everything she can to keep the girls alive and well.

So that's my week so far... Last week I was doing meals, dishes, and laundry... this week I'm back to "bedrest" with added worries about myself and my family near and far.
As I try to get ready for Butterfly's 6th Birthday Party this weekend!

3m, 2m, 1m, today...

Exactly *3* months ago, I had my first appt with the Breast Specialist to check the lump I had found (on referral from my OBGYN).
We discussed the ultrasound I had had a few days before, the pain and struggle of the past 3 weeks from the large lump in the middle of my chest, and the possibilities of what the lump could be.
Then he looked at it and then decided to try a needle biopsy, OUCH!!

I have a very low tolerance for pain, unless it's "pain with a purpose" like pregnancy and birth.
I was quickly reminded of this, as the Dr tried unsuccessfully to do the first failed needle aspiration...
He kept poking and barely got a few drops of blood to come out.

Fast forward a month...

Exactly *2* months ago...
I had my breast biopsy. After the Breast Specialist had tried everything (more needle aspirations, more ultrasounds, antibiotics, and had me wean my 11 month old immediately) and sent me to meet a surgeon. I had the second surgery in my whole life!
I had my tonsils taken out about 5 years ago, like many people and it was nothing out of the ordinary... besides, I knew lots of other people who had gone through it so I never thought that  much about it.
But a Breast Biopsy?? I didn't know anyone that had gone through one of those!
I had fully convinced myself that it was no big deal, I mean who wouldn't if almost a dozen different Drs had specifically told you "don't worry, we're almost sure it's not cancer!"... So my husband and I didn't worry... until they called me 4 days later with the news.

Exactly *1* month ago...
I went out with 2 of my closest friends. We had a "girls night out" just the 3 of us! We started with Jeni's ice cream before our dinner at North Star. We were all dressed up and had a great time talking and hanging out with no distractions from any of our children (in all the 3 of us have 11!).
It was their way to help me have a great night and not worry about the surgery that was coming up in a few short days. They helped me see that while many people know that I have cancer, I am not defined by having cancer. It is simply a part of who I am now, but I am still a mom, wife, daughter, friend... person!

So here I am *today*.
It's been a week since my 2nd fill and I'm doing the best I have since the surgery. I have loaded the dishwasher a couple times, I have done a few loads of laundry, I can dress myself, take care of my own shower (except my hair still), but can even put my own hair up (with my head down between my knees, lol)!
Today has brought on a new challenge...
My scabs are coming off in clumps with my new bra. I have barely gotten used to the way I look with my scabby scars and I don't feel ready to see what's underneath. I know that I have many more changes to go through before I can start getting used to "the new me" but I hadn't thought to get ready for this, I was focused on convincing myself to go through with another fill so I would only have 2 left after next week...

So now I go from feeling like a scabby monster to feeling like a wrinkly, lumpy monster...
I simply hope that someday I will again feel like a person and no longer feel like a monster.