2 months and my birthday...

so it's been about 2 months since my last post...
I started getting antsy about being done and so I had 3 fills where we did 75cc on the left and 50, 50, & 25cc on the right. I have been in so much pain the last 3 1/2 weeks since the last one, I think it was too much too quick :(
Let me start over...
I had my 29th Birthday last week!! Yay!!
Except not, and it's not the "oh I'm getting older" problem, it's the "I really thought I would be done by now and I would have a reason to celebrate my last 20's birthday..."
I'm tired of asking friends for help like playdates, and, well, playdates is really the only thing I have asked for. It is still so hard somedays for me to get the kids out of the house because it still hurts so badly physically.
I have a few friends (one that has been amazing and came for 2 visits for a week each time from another state, "we love you A!!"), that said maybe this is God's way of showing you how to ask and accept help. Ok, then why has almost everyone within an hour of me practically forgotten about me?
Hubby has started a new job, one that seriously landed in his lap and hard as we tried to walk away from the amazing offer, they just kept upping the offer until we could no longer say no (on a time resraint, they needed him to start the following week!). He now works there Mon-Thurs leaving at 8am and coming home usually around 11pm. Our Studio project is also gaining momentum and he has been doing 10-14 hour days all weekend except sunday, we go to church as a family so he usually does 6-8 hour days so he can spend a little time with us...
Our goal is still for him to be able to go full time in the studio in the next year and with the way buisness is picking up, it looks like the dream could become a reality!
My parents have been huge supporters, they have their own lives and jobs. My dad works full time and is also what some would call a part time preacher/teacher as well as my personal researcher when he isn't researching and learning for himself or someone else. My mom works 2 almost full-time jobs outside her home but regularly goes into overtime working from home, while also learning and creating her own program and being in buisness for herself, and a Bible school teacher... this is ignoring her being my ear to vent to and most importantly our regular sitter for our kids, and at times our transportation when I hurt too much to drive, and our on-call "helper".

We are still Homeschooling. Butterfly is almost half-way done with 1st grade, beaming about her first "report card" and still chugging along getting 6-10 days done each week even though we regularly only do school 4 days a week!
Ladybug and Tweedle are learning and enjoying the many crafts and science experiments, as well as Ladybug learning her letters! We are planning to start Ladybug in Kindergarten (with a plan to do the lightwork one year and then full work the following year) when Butterfly starts 2nd!
It's been months since Doodle has come to visit, he got braces and is doing well in school even taking some advanced classes. We really enjoyed seeing him last weekend.

Oh and we got a new 2 month old puppy a few weeks ago... housebreaking is still rough but life is starting to feel normal with only 1 animal in the house.

I am falling behind. I am in a lot of pain. I am coming on my self-imposed deadlines with little to no progress to show for it... I'm starting to fight my depression again.. I'm struggling with seeing the next step, much less the way out.

The phone call was 6 1/2 months before my birthday... things moved quickly and we had a plan and things would be hard for 4-5 months then I was supposed to have weeks or months of normalacy between the harsh reminders that I am becoming a survivor... 3 months between surgeries is long enough to recover, have some "normal" time then do prep to get us through the next one.

I am trying to look forward even with the emergency surgery that has set me back, even with our current insuarance issues ( that should be cleared up next month?) and even through the daily pain.
I am trying to create vertical space in my home on a penny budget, so that we can have a home for everything so that I can find order in my home and that alone should help releave some stress.
We have joined a homeschool group and will start attending weekly group meetings in a few months.
I hope to find a few moms to understand and support/help me find a way to feel some control over this crazy time.
Homeschooling, with 2 toddlers, with Hubby working 10-14hrs/day - 7 days/week, trying to re-organize the house, all while becoming a breast cancer survivor... I know it can be done, I've heard of others who have done more.. I CAN do this, I just struggle with making and sticking to a plan.

Getting back to normal

A quick update, it's been 6 weeks since my urgent surgery from my Left lump popping open...
The skin on that side looks so much healthier now, it looks like the Right side, except that it is still shaped like a football not yet a baseball :(

I had another fill yesterday. We only put 50cc in so I'm up to 200cc on the Left and still 325cc on the Right. I was a teensy bit sore but nothing that a little ibuprofen couldn't handle. I think most of the soreness had more to do with picking up the littles... they are about 30 and 40 lbs now!

Speaking of which I need to get everyone in for well checks next month. This month has been rough, with Hubby's paychecks being smaller after they take out time for him going with me to appointments. So dumb!! We are struggling again right now, but God has seen us through everything else so we just have to keep trusting He will get us through this too.

Today I'm taking the kids on our typical grocery shopping trip... but it's the first typical one in MONTHS!!! I'm so excited to be able to try it by myself again!!
We need to get regular groceries and things but also specific things for this weekend.
My parents are treating us with a trip to Cedar Point!! I can't wait to go on some real roller coasters with Butterfly this year :) Ladybug will love going on the kiddie coasters and I'm sure Tweetle will enjoy the little rides too. I really hope that Doodle has fun this time, he says he wants to go but he did not enjoy himself when we went 2 years ago. I hope this time is different.
They are buying Fast Passes so we can skip the lines to ride on coasters, meaning I actually get to ride on coasters this year!! With Hubby!! Yea!!!

So life is starting to find a new normal. Hubby is actually getting some clients into the studio and is starting to make a little money from that. I am doing a whole house overhaul!!
Rooms are being rearranged, cleaned, organized and set up for more funcionality. We are purging a LOT! I want to have a garage/yard sale and the rest will be donated. We need to get stuff out of here but I hope to make enough on some things to get some extra money into the shoe and clothing fund for the kids. They ALL need new shoes!

I think that's it for now, if you didn't catch it yes, I'm cleaning and moving things... I'm doing more around the house!!! Somedays it's really hard and I don't get much done but most days I feel very accomplished at being able to see the progress I'm making.
It's nice to finally be able to do and not need to delegate and wait for everything anymore.

Staple Free!! and L-fill 2

I never got around to updating you last week. I went in for my appt and they pulled out 1/2 of the staples (every other one) or 17... is it weird that I counted my 34 staples??
Any way, my anxiety about getting them out wasn't worth it. It pulled a bit and some tore the skin a tad, but mostly there was pinching and stinging. The stinging lasted the rest of the day, but again I had taken a bunch to help me relax so I collappsed after we got home.

This week I went in and the Dr checked me out and then had the nurse come in and take out the rest of the staples and put 50cc in, she tried to get the fluid around it out and could only pull 30cc out by herself. Since there was still more we decided another 50 in would be ok, so she put the 50cc in and the Dr came in to push and manipulate more fluid out. I was tight and uncomfortable when it was in, but with pulling out another 20cc, I was fine.
(Now L has 150cc, or half of R that has 325cc... I'm starting to wonder if I'm being selfish by still wanting to go up to 500cc or a *C* cup?)

I came home and napped for 1/2 an hour then made homemade BBQ sauce for slowcooked BBQ Chicken, with Crockpot Scalloped Potatoes, Homemade 4 cheese Macaroni and cheese, and Broccoli. It was delicious!! I think I need to start posting recipes again as I'm starting to meld and create again.

The next day I was sore, and today, 2 days out I'm still sore, but again, it's muscle soreness NOTHING like the first round of fills on that side!
On a side note, this week has been interesting with only Lady Bug & Tweedle with me. Butterfly is at her father's for his summer week (actually she's again at his mom's or with his sister, NOT with him...) so she won't be back until sunday. Doodle hasn't been here since before my most recent surgery but is finally able to make it this weekend.This weekend will be a change from normal with Doodle coming but not having Butterfly. Can't wait!!
Next week we hopefully join a local Homeschool group as we officially start Homeschooling Butterfly this year. Here in Ohio the compulsory age is 6, so we have to notify this year but she is already working on a 1st grade curriculum!

No Drain!! and plans change...

This week has been another roller coaster...
Monday I went in to my appt and because the drain was pulling almost nothing out, they decided it was more than safe to pull it out (small ouch). Then the staples did not yet look ready to come out, but we agreed to a small fill 50cc, to make sure things are ok before we pull 1/2 the staples out next week.
This fill... I was a bit sore, like a workout. NOT the horrible pains, spasms, and inability to breathe like previous fills on that side!! I'm thinking something was always wrong :(
I had taken some things to help me relax in anticipation of a staple removal, and by the time I came home they were all hitting me full force and I took 2 - 3hr naps and then felt much better. I have a corner of the expander that is poking me in the middle of my chest and causing me a bit of pain, but other than that I'm not in much pain unless I stretch the skin (pulling the staples causes pain and a tiny bit of bleeding).

In other news, my husbands job has been horrible this week! They are removing him from team meetings (making it harder for him to do his job) and told him that he can't take anymore time off this year or he won't get paid... which violates the company's PTO/No PTO policy (basically, as long as you do your job they don't require you to be in the office for 40 hours every week).
So now we are trying to figure out how to make things work financially with our home buisness not yet open and a threat of him being fired hanging over our heads like a storm cloud with no indication of when it will start raining... today? tomorrow?? next week? not until his next review in January?? we don't know but each day it seems to be getting closer and this leaves us with a very uneasy feeling every single day :(

So we are trying harder to trust God and wait for his leading... and yesterday a check came in the mail (a return from our insurance for the same amount that we were concerned about being short on this month!!
For us it was just one more thing confirming that we are on the path God wants us to be on!

"mommy, where you other nursie go?"

Earlier this week I had surgery. My left side was not doing well with being expanded because my stretch marks from my babes had made the skin too thin on the outside and somehow I had an infection on the inside.
Short version I had an area on the lower half of my left lump where the skin had died and popped open, the infection was leaking out and the skin was dying around the open hole as well.
So my Dr gave me immediate surgery to remove all the dead, dying, and infected skin as well as the old expander. He cleaned me out, put in a new expander, another drain and stapled me up... yes, stapled!!
He says its the easiest way to prevent another infection but I'm extremely anxious about getting them removed in a week and a half.
The drain is another story, they don't want to remove it until I get a fill... I can choose to get a fill when they remove the staples, but after my body having such issues with my fills before it would be better for me to wait until 2 weeks later to get my first fill, then have my drain removed after that... so a month with my drain in :(

A few days later I knelt down to help my 2 yr old open her string cheese and she peeked in my shirt (yes I had my surgical bra on) and pointed to my left side, "mommy, where you other nursie go?"
I explained that I had an infection in it, and she remembered that the drain was to take the infection out and make me better. She asked to gently touch my other one then looked at me and smiled, "you getting better Mommy! you nursie is good!" ... atleast she approves of the one I have!

Now for waiting, and slow fills to get that side up to where the other one is already, then we can move forward...
It might take a full year from when I started, but then I believe I will have my MRI every other year and it should be 15-30 years before I will need my silicone replaced.
....I'm looking forward to finding my "normal life" again.

"No boobie should ever pop!'

What a week!!
Butterfly's Birthday Party went really well. We surprised her with ponies that came to give her and her friends rides. Her friends each took 1-3 rides, but Butterfly kept riding and riding until her hour was up :)

Our friends from out of state made it in the night before so we had 4 parents and 8 children in the house. Made for fun bedtimes!! We had fun taking the kids to COSI & the Zoo. Then hanging out around the house. They decided last minute to stay the rest of the week, so we all went to my parents for a cookout and some fireworks.

We hung around the house catching up on sleep and laundry the next day. Then in Celebration of one child's Birthday, we started to get ready to take them all for a trip to the mall. As I started getting dressed, I noticed a nickel sized black spot on my lump where I was supposed to be watching for changes.
A call to the Dr and I was heading into an appt instead of the mall for some fun.
My Husband was able to meet me there and help me calm down as the Dr explained that I needed more fluid removed to release some pressure on that side, then we were changing things for monday. Instead of an appt, I was going in for surgery.
So yesterday: Doodle was at his moms, Butterfly had gone to her fathers house for the weekend, we helped our friends get packed up and they left, then my parents came to get the littles. Ladybug was ecstatic about going, but Tweedle had no desire to leave mommy.

Tweedle and I hung out, eating chips and watching TV. He dropped his cup off the couch and when i reached for it, my left arm got wet. I realized my shirt was really wet, my white bra was wet and yellow, and my soft pad was soaked through. When I pulled it off to see the problem, I had yellow fluid gushing out a small pin hole.
We finally reached the Dr and he said to soak gauze in peroxide and put that on the hole. He doesn't want me to go through emergency surgery if I don't have to so we are trying to keep things under control until my surgery... less than 40 hours from the time it popped open.

The Dr called me this morning to check on me and said as long as the hole stays smaller then a quarter (it is now slightly smaller than a dime), we are fine to wait until tomorrow. I'm still supposed to call him if something changes, but we are hoping to stick with the plan so that he can do the surgery and things go the way we discussed.

We don't want any surprises, but if there are some, he wants to be there so he can take care of them and knows what happened for future planning with my treatment.

This is a rare problem, it doesn't usually happen. So we are pretty sure it won't happen again, but as I have learned time and again the past couple years; Life does not come with any guarantees!

Basically, I'm starting over with fills on that side and this is going to extend the amount of time that I have to wait before getting my final 2 surgeries, but it's not a permanent problem and I can still finish doing what I was trying to do... get to the point where I can live my life without a constant reminder that my body was broken. Just be a mom, wife, business owner... a person that can physically do what is needed and doesn't need constant help.

For now I have to go back to "bedrest" for the next few weeks, and take it easy after that too. We finally have a few sitters that I can trust alone with my kids so I can focus on getting me back to where I need to be and rest when my body needs it, confident that my kids are having fun and being taken care of!!

Fill 4, & this week is full of bad news all around me...

So... I realized that waiting 3 weeks would mean my appointment would land on a day when my dear friend will be here. I can't wait to spend time with her and her family!! This will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will have all our kids together again (including each of our 1 yr olds!).
So I thought about it and felt more comfortable with getting a smaller fill but seeing the Dr sooner because my left side was still concerning me. I went back this past monday after waiting only 2 weeks...

I'm glad I did. The lower half of my left lump isn't doing so well... the skin is thinner than it should be and the Dr is concerned it might be dying. If that happens (there's a whole list of things I was cautioned about) then I need surgery to remove the lower half, they will pull the top down and attach it and I will have to start my fills all over on that side...
I'm concerned. At first I was bothered that after this concern was explained to me the Dr went ahead and wanted 25cc added to each side (this brings me to 300 on L and 325 on R and my goal is 500). My hubby calmed me down and re-explained that he was trying to make sure he had enough skin to pull down and reach the bottom if the worst happened... *sigh*


Now I'm stuck back to doing as little as possible with my left arm so I don't stretch the skin and cause it to burst (that just sounds scary!). We go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing, unless I start leaking or scabbing or something before that. If that happens I need to call immediately :(

In other news, the kids were starting to treat me "normally" again even without my "puff" pillows (fake boobs) in my shirt...
Lady bug has brought them to me a couple times and told me,"Here you need these a yook yike my mommy!" ... Tweedle carries them around when he finds them (I have 2 pairs), hugging and kissing them as gentle as he can be, seems they are his new lovies :(
Both littles have refused to come near me unless I have"puffs" in my bra and somedays that's really hard for me to swallow!
Now I have had enough fills that while still smallish, they do appear to be there again.

Then, the cat that used to be my husband's but stayed with Doodle and his mom after the divorce died this week and Doodle is taking it pretty hard. Amazing the cat was 17, but heartbroken for Doodle :'(

Finally, our Niece... (Hubby's 2nd sister died from this disease/syndrome when her daughters were babies, sadly both girls have it too and require surgeries every couple years to keep them alive) was fine a couple days ago and suddenly in the middle of the night was rushed to the hospital and underwent major heart surgery yesterday. Hubby's poor mom, not only did she go through this with her 3rd child, now she's raising the girls as her 5th & 6th kids, and goes through these scares and surgeries with them :(
She is an incredibly strong woman and mother and I can't imagine the daily stress she goes through making sure that she does everything she can to keep the girls alive and well.

So that's my week so far... Last week I was doing meals, dishes, and laundry... this week I'm back to "bedrest" with added worries about myself and my family near and far.
As I try to get ready for Butterfly's 6th Birthday Party this weekend!