Thursday, July 29, 2010

I love you....

A definition:
Love is both an action and a feeling. Love is a profoundly tender, warm, loyal, personal, deep affection for another person.
The diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even to compare to other emotional states.

A little background:
 1 - I am trying to work through anxiety (more on that some other time) so right now when I feel an attack coming on I will try to get away by myself to calm down after some really dumb arguments made me learn the beginning of an attack.
 2 - We are trying to find a balance between Doodle's lack of rules at his other house and the basic rules we have here. For him and for consistency with all other children in the house. Without treating him "like a child."

  So last night, events during family dinner were leading me towards an anxiety attack, but I was trying to calm myself while finishing without bothering anyone. *It didn't work, so I will excuse myself next time.* Doodle asked for more salad and then a few bites in decided he was done and didn't want to finish. This was following both Daddy and I repeatedly reminding Butterfly that she had to finish her dinner. He got up to throw his in the trash.
  The stream of possible senarios all turned badly in my head so I quietly stormed upstairs. Doodle got upset by this and cried to Daddy that "she hates me".
When I was told this I had almost calmed myself, so rather than having myself a pity party like I wanted to I tried to put Doodle's needs before my own.
Ladybug had just fallen asleep so I put her in her crib, put Butterfly in her room to play after shutting the door and telling her to wait until we came to get her, and asked Daddy to have the 3 of us talk.
It was emotional, but we needed to get some more cards on the table.
Sadly, Doodle has to be let in on some "adult" issues due to the circumstances so that he can understand the reasons behind some of our actions and goals. A little into the conversation, I told Doodle that I love him, and gave him some compliments.... I thought he knew that, I half expected him to (like a teenager) tell me that I didn't, or roll his eyes, say "ok", nod, or ignore it altogether... it's not like I expected him to say it back!

I was blown away and am still confused by his reaction; he cried and ran away.

I guess he wasn't expecting that; especially then, and I guess he didn't know that.
His reaction made me realize some things, made me think, and makes me want to be not only a better mom, but a better person. I feel badly that I've never told him that before. I feel horrible that I wasn't showing it enough to him.

It makes me wonder: - Does he not hear it that much? - Does he not take compliments well? - What does he really think of me and how I feel about him? - Will this change things? If so, how? - Why did I not make it clear sooner?

To be honest, I can't see my life without him anymore.
He's my son! Yes, he was given to me by marriage only a year and a half ago and may not be here all the time, but I worry about him and miss him and wish for more time with him. I have a very strong desire to help him reach his full potential and become a wonderful young man.

That being said, I now feel that I should find better ways to show him how much I really do love him. I think it's fair to say that's a normal struggle with a 10 yr old. It's not like I can just pick him up and go snuggle with him like I do with little ones. I can't take him to go play baseball (I can't play so it would be NO fun, and who would watch the girls?).
So what can I do and how can I show him that I love him for him?
Not just because he's my husband's son and my daughters' brother?
I love Doodle because he makes me laugh (like his dad), he makes me smile, he makes me think. He can talk his way into or out of many things, he's passionate about things he loves, he's fiercly protective of his sisters, he's bright, and trusting, and gentle. He's inquisitive and doesn't accept simple answers from me. He's amazing at baseball and just a great kid that (unless he's sucked into a video game) doesn't like to have a dull moment.
He's really just irreplaceable, and last night made me realize that I need to let him know that a little better.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

one week...

This week we have a lot planned, housework though I've been struggling with it is getting pushed to the side, and we are staying busy.
Doodlebug is here, ALL WEEK LONG!!!!!
You could feel the buzz of excitement contained in that news for days before he came :) We have all been looking forward to it. An extended time to spend with him!
Usually he is only here for a few days, and quickly tires of the young girls' antics and cries. This time its different. While he does restate "it's going to be a looong week" each time one of his sisters makes an unhappy noise... he has initiated play times with each of them!
This week, I am loving having all 3 of our kids and trying to stay in the moment, not get caught up wishing that every week is like this <3