Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Feeling Helpless...

I don't want pity!
I have gotten very frustrated with myself over the past few years because I am not able to "do it all" and I have needed so much help, but have forgotten how to ask for it.
I am one of those who hates to ask for help, I would prefer to help someone else.
I tried to live by the motto: "If you want something done, you have to do it yourself!"

This has caused a few snowball effects in the past few years...
With everything that has happened to me and to our family since the "kidney stones" in the middle of Ladybug's pregnancy and moving right after that... we still need to unpack and organize.
I feel more often than not that I am just another weight. Especially to my husband, but also to my parents.

As a person, a mom and a wife, the things that are hardest for me right now are:
 - having trouble breathing: sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, or there's an elephant on my chest... recently I've been feeling like I'm having 9-15 heart attacks an hour... these feelings are made worse by my anxiety attacks. I think caused by my feelings of helplessness and seeing those around me already taking on "my jobs" for me. So I do not want to burden them with helping me more, even if it's to sit up because I can't on my own most times.

 - struggling to pour my own drinks, get my own food, open my own vitamins/medicines.

 - not having the strength to carry my own purse/bag

 - struggling to open or close most doors (house and car)

 - needing help to buckle my seatbelt

 - asking someone to help zip my bra, pull my shirt up, or pull my pants up and button them

 - needing someone else to do my hair (washing, rinsing, drying, brushing, fixing)

 - standing/sitting helplessly by, asking someone else to help or hug my kids if they need anything...

 - begging my children to stop touching me because it hurts, while dying to hold them again...

 - accepting help even when it means I won't see my children for the day, just so someone is taking care of them because I have to admit that I can't do it alone right now

 - needing naps, it's a guilty, guilty pleasure

 - financially, I am costing us more right now. We have to pay for what I need to get better, we have to pay for other people to do what I should be doing, and we have to spend more on food because I can't make things from scratch. All this after my goal for this summer was to help us get back on track financially :(

 On a totally TMI personal note... I feel repulsive.
 - I have been trying to gain weight (I need to stay healthy to heal and I dropped weight really fast in the 2 weeks after I was told I had cancer, due to stress and going carb/grain free). So, I feel overweight right now as I am bigger than I have been in over 6 months.

 - I was a "late-bloomer" and I've struggled since my teenage years with my body not looking enough like a girl... right now, I have to add special shaped pillows so the outside world doesn't question if I'm a woman...
My son, Tweetle has been caught hugging, kissing, and carrying my special pillows... for his first 11 months, his only "lovies" were my real ones. I feel more guilty that I took them away from him!
I believe their original purpose is for feeding and comforting babies... I only hope someday my fake ones can again be the comfort my children crave when I can again snuggle them to sleep or help them feel safe.
My little Ladybug has handed the pillows to me and told me I needed them "to look like mommy again"... :'(

 - I can't use deodorant, I struggle to shave the basics, and my large wrinkly scars are still to frightening for me to accept them as a part of me. Just a few more things that make me feel like an awkward monster in my body.

I "knew" this would be a hard and painful process. I don't think I was prepared for this hard or this much pain and struggling.
I want to give up at least once a day, on a bad day it's more than once an hour...

Part of me is still glad that my kids are so little, hopefully even Butterfly will forget this nightmare.

I'm accepting that I need help, I now need to take that help so I can get better and later help others by paying it back or paying it forward.
I hope I always remember to be thankful for little things, because I never want to feel this helpless again.

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