I never got around to updating you last week. I went in for my appt and they pulled out 1/2 of the staples (every other one) or 17... is it weird that I counted my 34 staples??
Any way, my anxiety about getting them out wasn't worth it. It pulled a bit and some tore the skin a tad, but mostly there was pinching and stinging. The stinging lasted the rest of the day, but again I had taken a bunch to help me relax so I collappsed after we got home.
This week I went in and the Dr checked me out and then had the nurse come in and take out the rest of the staples and put 50cc in, she tried to get the fluid around it out and could only pull 30cc out by herself. Since there was still more we decided another 50 in would be ok, so she put the 50cc in and the Dr came in to push and manipulate more fluid out. I was tight and uncomfortable when it was in, but with pulling out another 20cc, I was fine.
(Now L has 150cc, or half of R that has 325cc... I'm starting to wonder if I'm being selfish by still wanting to go up to 500cc or a *C* cup?)
I came home and napped for 1/2 an hour then made homemade BBQ sauce for slowcooked BBQ Chicken, with Crockpot Scalloped Potatoes, Homemade 4 cheese Macaroni and cheese, and Broccoli. It was delicious!! I think I need to start posting recipes again as I'm starting to meld and create again.
The next day I was sore, and today, 2 days out I'm still sore, but again, it's muscle soreness NOTHING like the first round of fills on that side!
On a side note, this week has been interesting with only Lady Bug & Tweedle with me. Butterfly is at her father's for his summer week (actually she's again at his mom's or with his sister, NOT with him...) so she won't be back until sunday. Doodle hasn't been here since before my most recent surgery but is finally able to make it this weekend.This weekend will be a change from normal with Doodle coming but not having Butterfly. Can't wait!!
Next week we hopefully join a local Homeschool group as we officially start Homeschooling Butterfly this year. Here in Ohio the compulsory age is 6, so we have to notify this year but she is already working on a 1st grade curriculum!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
No Drain!! and plans change...
This week has been another roller coaster...
Monday I went in to my appt and because the drain was pulling almost nothing out, they decided it was more than safe to pull it out (small ouch). Then the staples did not yet look ready to come out, but we agreed to a small fill 50cc, to make sure things are ok before we pull 1/2 the staples out next week.
This fill... I was a bit sore, like a workout. NOT the horrible pains, spasms, and inability to breathe like previous fills on that side!! I'm thinking something was always wrong :(
I had taken some things to help me relax in anticipation of a staple removal, and by the time I came home they were all hitting me full force and I took 2 - 3hr naps and then felt much better. I have a corner of the expander that is poking me in the middle of my chest and causing me a bit of pain, but other than that I'm not in much pain unless I stretch the skin (pulling the staples causes pain and a tiny bit of bleeding).
In other news, my husbands job has been horrible this week! They are removing him from team meetings (making it harder for him to do his job) and told him that he can't take anymore time off this year or he won't get paid... which violates the company's PTO/No PTO policy (basically, as long as you do your job they don't require you to be in the office for 40 hours every week).
So now we are trying to figure out how to make things work financially with our home buisness not yet open and a threat of him being fired hanging over our heads like a storm cloud with no indication of when it will start raining... today? tomorrow?? next week? not until his next review in January?? we don't know but each day it seems to be getting closer and this leaves us with a very uneasy feeling every single day :(
So we are trying harder to trust God and wait for his leading... and yesterday a check came in the mail (a return from our insurance for the same amount that we were concerned about being short on this month!!
For us it was just one more thing confirming that we are on the path God wants us to be on!
Monday I went in to my appt and because the drain was pulling almost nothing out, they decided it was more than safe to pull it out (small ouch). Then the staples did not yet look ready to come out, but we agreed to a small fill 50cc, to make sure things are ok before we pull 1/2 the staples out next week.
This fill... I was a bit sore, like a workout. NOT the horrible pains, spasms, and inability to breathe like previous fills on that side!! I'm thinking something was always wrong :(
I had taken some things to help me relax in anticipation of a staple removal, and by the time I came home they were all hitting me full force and I took 2 - 3hr naps and then felt much better. I have a corner of the expander that is poking me in the middle of my chest and causing me a bit of pain, but other than that I'm not in much pain unless I stretch the skin (pulling the staples causes pain and a tiny bit of bleeding).
In other news, my husbands job has been horrible this week! They are removing him from team meetings (making it harder for him to do his job) and told him that he can't take anymore time off this year or he won't get paid... which violates the company's PTO/No PTO policy (basically, as long as you do your job they don't require you to be in the office for 40 hours every week).
So now we are trying to figure out how to make things work financially with our home buisness not yet open and a threat of him being fired hanging over our heads like a storm cloud with no indication of when it will start raining... today? tomorrow?? next week? not until his next review in January?? we don't know but each day it seems to be getting closer and this leaves us with a very uneasy feeling every single day :(
So we are trying harder to trust God and wait for his leading... and yesterday a check came in the mail (a return from our insurance for the same amount that we were concerned about being short on this month!!
For us it was just one more thing confirming that we are on the path God wants us to be on!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
"mommy, where you other nursie go?"
Earlier this week I had surgery. My left side was not doing well with being expanded because my stretch marks from my babes had made the skin too thin on the outside and somehow I had an infection on the inside.
Short version I had an area on the lower half of my left lump where the skin had died and popped open, the infection was leaking out and the skin was dying around the open hole as well.
So my Dr gave me immediate surgery to remove all the dead, dying, and infected skin as well as the old expander. He cleaned me out, put in a new expander, another drain and stapled me up... yes, stapled!!
He says its the easiest way to prevent another infection but I'm extremely anxious about getting them removed in a week and a half.
The drain is another story, they don't want to remove it until I get a fill... I can choose to get a fill when they remove the staples, but after my body having such issues with my fills before it would be better for me to wait until 2 weeks later to get my first fill, then have my drain removed after that... so a month with my drain in :(
A few days later I knelt down to help my 2 yr old open her string cheese and she peeked in my shirt (yes I had my surgical bra on) and pointed to my left side, "mommy, where you other nursie go?"
I explained that I had an infection in it, and she remembered that the drain was to take the infection out and make me better. She asked to gently touch my other one then looked at me and smiled, "you getting better Mommy! you nursie is good!" ... atleast she approves of the one I have!
Now for waiting, and slow fills to get that side up to where the other one is already, then we can move forward...
It might take a full year from when I started, but then I believe I will have my MRI every other year and it should be 15-30 years before I will need my silicone replaced.
....I'm looking forward to finding my "normal life" again.
Short version I had an area on the lower half of my left lump where the skin had died and popped open, the infection was leaking out and the skin was dying around the open hole as well.
So my Dr gave me immediate surgery to remove all the dead, dying, and infected skin as well as the old expander. He cleaned me out, put in a new expander, another drain and stapled me up... yes, stapled!!
He says its the easiest way to prevent another infection but I'm extremely anxious about getting them removed in a week and a half.
The drain is another story, they don't want to remove it until I get a fill... I can choose to get a fill when they remove the staples, but after my body having such issues with my fills before it would be better for me to wait until 2 weeks later to get my first fill, then have my drain removed after that... so a month with my drain in :(
A few days later I knelt down to help my 2 yr old open her string cheese and she peeked in my shirt (yes I had my surgical bra on) and pointed to my left side, "mommy, where you other nursie go?"
I explained that I had an infection in it, and she remembered that the drain was to take the infection out and make me better. She asked to gently touch my other one then looked at me and smiled, "you getting better Mommy! you nursie is good!" ... atleast she approves of the one I have!
Now for waiting, and slow fills to get that side up to where the other one is already, then we can move forward...
It might take a full year from when I started, but then I believe I will have my MRI every other year and it should be 15-30 years before I will need my silicone replaced.
....I'm looking forward to finding my "normal life" again.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
"No boobie should ever pop!'
What a week!!
Butterfly's Birthday Party went really well. We surprised her with ponies that came to give her and her friends rides. Her friends each took 1-3 rides, but Butterfly kept riding and riding until her hour was up :)
Butterfly's Birthday Party went really well. We surprised her with ponies that came to give her and her friends rides. Her friends each took 1-3 rides, but Butterfly kept riding and riding until her hour was up :)
Our friends from out of state made it in the night before so we had 4 parents and 8 children in the house. Made for fun bedtimes!! We had fun taking the kids to COSI & the Zoo. Then hanging out around the house. They decided last minute to stay the rest of the week, so we all went to my parents for a cookout and some fireworks.
We hung around the house catching up on sleep and laundry the next day. Then in Celebration of one child's Birthday, we started to get ready to take them all for a trip to the mall. As I started getting dressed, I noticed a nickel sized black spot on my lump where I was supposed to be watching for changes.
A call to the Dr and I was heading into an appt instead of the mall for some fun.
My Husband was able to meet me there and help me calm down as the Dr explained that I needed more fluid removed to release some pressure on that side, then we were changing things for monday. Instead of an appt, I was going in for surgery.
So yesterday: Doodle was at his moms, Butterfly had gone to her fathers house for the weekend, we helped our friends get packed up and they left, then my parents came to get the littles. Ladybug was ecstatic about going, but Tweedle had no desire to leave mommy.
A call to the Dr and I was heading into an appt instead of the mall for some fun.
My Husband was able to meet me there and help me calm down as the Dr explained that I needed more fluid removed to release some pressure on that side, then we were changing things for monday. Instead of an appt, I was going in for surgery.
So yesterday: Doodle was at his moms, Butterfly had gone to her fathers house for the weekend, we helped our friends get packed up and they left, then my parents came to get the littles. Ladybug was ecstatic about going, but Tweedle had no desire to leave mommy.
Tweedle and I hung out, eating chips and watching TV. He dropped his cup off the couch and when i reached for it, my left arm got wet. I realized my shirt was really wet, my white bra was wet and yellow, and my soft pad was soaked through. When I pulled it off to see the problem, I had yellow fluid gushing out a small pin hole.
We finally reached the Dr and he said to soak gauze in peroxide and put that on the hole. He doesn't want me to go through emergency surgery if I don't have to so we are trying to keep things under control until my surgery... less than 40 hours from the time it popped open.
We finally reached the Dr and he said to soak gauze in peroxide and put that on the hole. He doesn't want me to go through emergency surgery if I don't have to so we are trying to keep things under control until my surgery... less than 40 hours from the time it popped open.
The Dr called me this morning to check on me and said as long as the hole stays smaller then a quarter (it is now slightly smaller than a dime), we are fine to wait until tomorrow. I'm still supposed to call him if something changes, but we are hoping to stick with the plan so that he can do the surgery and things go the way we discussed.
We don't want any surprises, but if there are some, he wants to be there so he can take care of them and knows what happened for future planning with my treatment.
This is a rare problem, it doesn't usually happen. So we are pretty sure it won't happen again, but as I have learned time and again the past couple years; Life does not come with any guarantees!
Basically, I'm starting over with fills on that side and this is going to extend the amount of time that I have to wait before getting my final 2 surgeries, but it's not a permanent problem and I can still finish doing what I was trying to do... get to the point where I can live my life without a constant reminder that my body was broken. Just be a mom, wife, business owner... a person that can physically do what is needed and doesn't need constant help.
For now I have to go back to "bedrest" for the next few weeks, and take it easy after that too. We finally have a few sitters that I can trust alone with my kids so I can focus on getting me back to where I need to be and rest when my body needs it, confident that my kids are having fun and being taken care of!!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Fill 4, & this week is full of bad news all around me...
So... I realized that waiting 3 weeks would mean my appointment would land on a day when my dear friend will be here. I can't wait to spend time with her and her family!! This will be the first time in almost 2 years that we will have all our kids together again (including each of our 1 yr olds!).
So I thought about it and felt more comfortable with getting a smaller fill but seeing the Dr sooner because my left side was still concerning me. I went back this past monday after waiting only 2 weeks...
I'm glad I did. The lower half of my left lump isn't doing so well... the skin is thinner than it should be and the Dr is concerned it might be dying. If that happens (there's a whole list of things I was cautioned about) then I need surgery to remove the lower half, they will pull the top down and attach it and I will have to start my fills all over on that side...
I'm concerned. At first I was bothered that after this concern was explained to me the Dr went ahead and wanted 25cc added to each side (this brings me to 300 on L and 325 on R and my goal is 500). My hubby calmed me down and re-explained that he was trying to make sure he had enough skin to pull down and reach the bottom if the worst happened... *sigh*
Now I'm stuck back to doing as little as possible with my left arm so I don't stretch the skin and cause it to burst (that just sounds scary!). We go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing, unless I start leaking or scabbing or something before that. If that happens I need to call immediately :(
In other news, the kids were starting to treat me "normally" again even without my "puff" pillows (fake boobs) in my shirt...
Lady bug has brought them to me a couple times and told me,"Here you need these a yook yike my mommy!" ... Tweedle carries them around when he finds them (I have 2 pairs), hugging and kissing them as gentle as he can be, seems they are his new lovies :(
Both littles have refused to come near me unless I have"puffs" in my bra and somedays that's really hard for me to swallow!
Now I have had enough fills that while still smallish, they do appear to be there again.
Then, the cat that used to be my husband's but stayed with Doodle and his mom after the divorce died this week and Doodle is taking it pretty hard. Amazing the cat was 17, but heartbroken for Doodle :'(
Finally, our Niece... (Hubby's 2nd sister died from this disease/syndrome when her daughters were babies, sadly both girls have it too and require surgeries every couple years to keep them alive) was fine a couple days ago and suddenly in the middle of the night was rushed to the hospital and underwent major heart surgery yesterday. Hubby's poor mom, not only did she go through this with her 3rd child, now she's raising the girls as her 5th & 6th kids, and goes through these scares and surgeries with them :(
She is an incredibly strong woman and mother and I can't imagine the daily stress she goes through making sure that she does everything she can to keep the girls alive and well.
So that's my week so far... Last week I was doing meals, dishes, and laundry... this week I'm back to "bedrest" with added worries about myself and my family near and far.
As I try to get ready for Butterfly's 6th Birthday Party this weekend!
So I thought about it and felt more comfortable with getting a smaller fill but seeing the Dr sooner because my left side was still concerning me. I went back this past monday after waiting only 2 weeks...
I'm glad I did. The lower half of my left lump isn't doing so well... the skin is thinner than it should be and the Dr is concerned it might be dying. If that happens (there's a whole list of things I was cautioned about) then I need surgery to remove the lower half, they will pull the top down and attach it and I will have to start my fills all over on that side...
I'm concerned. At first I was bothered that after this concern was explained to me the Dr went ahead and wanted 25cc added to each side (this brings me to 300 on L and 325 on R and my goal is 500). My hubby calmed me down and re-explained that he was trying to make sure he had enough skin to pull down and reach the bottom if the worst happened... *sigh*
Now I'm stuck back to doing as little as possible with my left arm so I don't stretch the skin and cause it to burst (that just sounds scary!). We go back in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing, unless I start leaking or scabbing or something before that. If that happens I need to call immediately :(
In other news, the kids were starting to treat me "normally" again even without my "puff" pillows (fake boobs) in my shirt...
Lady bug has brought them to me a couple times and told me,"Here you need these a yook yike my mommy!" ... Tweedle carries them around when he finds them (I have 2 pairs), hugging and kissing them as gentle as he can be, seems they are his new lovies :(
Both littles have refused to come near me unless I have"puffs" in my bra and somedays that's really hard for me to swallow!
Now I have had enough fills that while still smallish, they do appear to be there again.
Then, the cat that used to be my husband's but stayed with Doodle and his mom after the divorce died this week and Doodle is taking it pretty hard. Amazing the cat was 17, but heartbroken for Doodle :'(
Finally, our Niece... (Hubby's 2nd sister died from this disease/syndrome when her daughters were babies, sadly both girls have it too and require surgeries every couple years to keep them alive) was fine a couple days ago and suddenly in the middle of the night was rushed to the hospital and underwent major heart surgery yesterday. Hubby's poor mom, not only did she go through this with her 3rd child, now she's raising the girls as her 5th & 6th kids, and goes through these scares and surgeries with them :(
She is an incredibly strong woman and mother and I can't imagine the daily stress she goes through making sure that she does everything she can to keep the girls alive and well.
So that's my week so far... Last week I was doing meals, dishes, and laundry... this week I'm back to "bedrest" with added worries about myself and my family near and far.
As I try to get ready for Butterfly's 6th Birthday Party this weekend!
Monday, June 11, 2012
My small win & Fill 3, or halfway there?!?
Today has already been a roller coaster. Over the weekend lil Tweetle had a pretty bad fever and was barely eating or sleeping at night.
He really just wanted to snuggle with Mommy, but that requires flopping his head over and over until he falls asleep... which could take hours. I did my best to hold him, we have figured out that if he sits on my foot, I can help him climb up so I don't hurt myself picking him up, but holding him still just hurts if he touches or lays on my chest.
Last night was the worst, almost 2 hours of him crying and screaming and lunging for me from Daddy's arms. So I held him on the couch, in the rocker, the couch again, the rocker again... each time he tried to push up and away like he wanted me to stand up.
Finally I gave in, Daddy (tried to talk me out of it, then) carefully handed him to me standing up so I could keep his weight on my hips... after a few minutes he pushed away still unhappy and I leaned forward holding on to him and stopped him from falling.
Searing pain ripped across the bottom of my right lump. With the help of pain meds, we finally got to bed and got us all to sleep.
This morning we were tired but happy to have a little more time than usual to get out the door since my appt was later than Hubby's usual time into work. I had a small win: I showered by myself, inculing washing & rinsing my hair, drying off and getting dressed and doing my hair.
We dropped the kids off at my parents house and went to my appt.
We discussed with the Dr a bit more about the plan going forward and what amount to try for today... I decided on 100, so hopefully after this I have 2 more times before my next surgery and I can be done with all this. We got 100 in the right, initially it was easier than last time but helped to sit up right after and get my heart shaped underarm pillow.
Then they tried 100 in the left, as they pulled out the needle, it felt like a geyser. Fluid was coming out of the hole and slightly concerned Hubby that the expander had sprung a leak. The Nurse said it was fine and tried to get it to stop, realizing it wasn't clear she called the Dr back in. He came and looked, pulled 25 out of the expander. Then realizing that I was swollen, pulled another 25 or more of my fluid out by manipulating my lump from different angles... that was anything but pleasant.
Now I'm at my parents too, and while it's nice to be close to the kids, I feel like knives are going through my right side, starting at the bottom (where I aggravated the muscle last night) and going around my lump, through to my back and all down my right arm.
I think from here on out, my max will be 75 until I'm done! We agreed to wait 3 weeks before my next fill instead of 2 like we have been doing.
I'm really hoping I heal fast like last fill.
He really just wanted to snuggle with Mommy, but that requires flopping his head over and over until he falls asleep... which could take hours. I did my best to hold him, we have figured out that if he sits on my foot, I can help him climb up so I don't hurt myself picking him up, but holding him still just hurts if he touches or lays on my chest.
Last night was the worst, almost 2 hours of him crying and screaming and lunging for me from Daddy's arms. So I held him on the couch, in the rocker, the couch again, the rocker again... each time he tried to push up and away like he wanted me to stand up.
Finally I gave in, Daddy (tried to talk me out of it, then) carefully handed him to me standing up so I could keep his weight on my hips... after a few minutes he pushed away still unhappy and I leaned forward holding on to him and stopped him from falling.
Searing pain ripped across the bottom of my right lump. With the help of pain meds, we finally got to bed and got us all to sleep.
This morning we were tired but happy to have a little more time than usual to get out the door since my appt was later than Hubby's usual time into work. I had a small win: I showered by myself, inculing washing & rinsing my hair, drying off and getting dressed and doing my hair.
We dropped the kids off at my parents house and went to my appt.
We discussed with the Dr a bit more about the plan going forward and what amount to try for today... I decided on 100, so hopefully after this I have 2 more times before my next surgery and I can be done with all this. We got 100 in the right, initially it was easier than last time but helped to sit up right after and get my heart shaped underarm pillow.
Then they tried 100 in the left, as they pulled out the needle, it felt like a geyser. Fluid was coming out of the hole and slightly concerned Hubby that the expander had sprung a leak. The Nurse said it was fine and tried to get it to stop, realizing it wasn't clear she called the Dr back in. He came and looked, pulled 25 out of the expander. Then realizing that I was swollen, pulled another 25 or more of my fluid out by manipulating my lump from different angles... that was anything but pleasant.
Now I'm at my parents too, and while it's nice to be close to the kids, I feel like knives are going through my right side, starting at the bottom (where I aggravated the muscle last night) and going around my lump, through to my back and all down my right arm.
I think from here on out, my max will be 75 until I'm done! We agreed to wait 3 weeks before my next fill instead of 2 like we have been doing.
I'm really hoping I heal fast like last fill.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
3m, 2m, 1m, today...
Exactly *3* months ago, I had my first appt with the Breast Specialist to check the lump I had found (on referral from my OBGYN).
We discussed the ultrasound I had had a few days before, the pain and struggle of the past 3 weeks from the large lump in the middle of my chest, and the possibilities of what the lump could be.
Then he looked at it and then decided to try a needle biopsy, OUCH!!
I have a very low tolerance for pain, unless it's "pain with a purpose" like pregnancy and birth.
I was quickly reminded of this, as the Dr tried unsuccessfully to do the first failed needle aspiration...
He kept poking and barely got a few drops of blood to come out.
Fast forward a month...
Exactly *2* months ago...
I had my breast biopsy. After the Breast Specialist had tried everything (more needle aspirations, more ultrasounds, antibiotics, and had me wean my 11 month old immediately) and sent me to meet a surgeon. I had the second surgery in my whole life!
I had my tonsils taken out about 5 years ago, like many people and it was nothing out of the ordinary... besides, I knew lots of other people who had gone through it so I never thought that much about it.
But a Breast Biopsy?? I didn't know anyone that had gone through one of those!
I had fully convinced myself that it was no big deal, I mean who wouldn't if almost a dozen different Drs had specifically told you "don't worry, we're almost sure it's not cancer!"... So my husband and I didn't worry... until they called me 4 days later with the news.
Exactly *1* month ago...
I went out with 2 of my closest friends. We had a "girls night out" just the 3 of us! We started with Jeni's ice cream before our dinner at North Star. We were all dressed up and had a great time talking and hanging out with no distractions from any of our children (in all the 3 of us have 11!).
It was their way to help me have a great night and not worry about the surgery that was coming up in a few short days. They helped me see that while many people know that I have cancer, I am not defined by having cancer. It is simply a part of who I am now, but I am still a mom, wife, daughter, friend... person!
So here I am *today*.
It's been a week since my 2nd fill and I'm doing the best I have since the surgery. I have loaded the dishwasher a couple times, I have done a few loads of laundry, I can dress myself, take care of my own shower (except my hair still), but can even put my own hair up (with my head down between my knees, lol)!
Today has brought on a new challenge...
My scabs are coming off in clumps with my new bra. I have barely gotten used to the way I look with my scabby scars and I don't feel ready to see what's underneath. I know that I have many more changes to go through before I can start getting used to "the new me" but I hadn't thought to get ready for this, I was focused on convincing myself to go through with another fill so I would only have 2 left after next week...
So now I go from feeling like a scabby monster to feeling like a wrinkly, lumpy monster...
I simply hope that someday I will again feel like a person and no longer feel like a monster.
We discussed the ultrasound I had had a few days before, the pain and struggle of the past 3 weeks from the large lump in the middle of my chest, and the possibilities of what the lump could be.
Then he looked at it and then decided to try a needle biopsy, OUCH!!
I have a very low tolerance for pain, unless it's "pain with a purpose" like pregnancy and birth.
I was quickly reminded of this, as the Dr tried unsuccessfully to do the first failed needle aspiration...
He kept poking and barely got a few drops of blood to come out.
Fast forward a month...
Exactly *2* months ago...
I had my breast biopsy. After the Breast Specialist had tried everything (more needle aspirations, more ultrasounds, antibiotics, and had me wean my 11 month old immediately) and sent me to meet a surgeon. I had the second surgery in my whole life!
I had my tonsils taken out about 5 years ago, like many people and it was nothing out of the ordinary... besides, I knew lots of other people who had gone through it so I never thought that much about it.
But a Breast Biopsy?? I didn't know anyone that had gone through one of those!
I had fully convinced myself that it was no big deal, I mean who wouldn't if almost a dozen different Drs had specifically told you "don't worry, we're almost sure it's not cancer!"... So my husband and I didn't worry... until they called me 4 days later with the news.
Exactly *1* month ago...
I went out with 2 of my closest friends. We had a "girls night out" just the 3 of us! We started with Jeni's ice cream before our dinner at North Star. We were all dressed up and had a great time talking and hanging out with no distractions from any of our children (in all the 3 of us have 11!).
It was their way to help me have a great night and not worry about the surgery that was coming up in a few short days. They helped me see that while many people know that I have cancer, I am not defined by having cancer. It is simply a part of who I am now, but I am still a mom, wife, daughter, friend... person!
So here I am *today*.
It's been a week since my 2nd fill and I'm doing the best I have since the surgery. I have loaded the dishwasher a couple times, I have done a few loads of laundry, I can dress myself, take care of my own shower (except my hair still), but can even put my own hair up (with my head down between my knees, lol)!
Today has brought on a new challenge...
My scabs are coming off in clumps with my new bra. I have barely gotten used to the way I look with my scabby scars and I don't feel ready to see what's underneath. I know that I have many more changes to go through before I can start getting used to "the new me" but I hadn't thought to get ready for this, I was focused on convincing myself to go through with another fill so I would only have 2 left after next week...
So now I go from feeling like a scabby monster to feeling like a wrinkly, lumpy monster...
I simply hope that someday I will again feel like a person and no longer feel like a monster.
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